That Ashton Kutcher is so hot right now

So my Republican coworkers (which is to say, all my coworkers) like to make fun of John Kerry. Which I could reluctantly respect, if they didn’t get all their current events information from Fox News and swift boat ads. During intermittent moments of relative workplace silence, I can often hear one of them from across the cubes call out “…so the bartender says, hey John Kerry, why the long face?” followed by the kind of wheezy, cackling, smoker-laughter I had previously thought possessed only by cartoon villains. Both parties lie, (or “mislead,” are “false,” or “mistaken” if you prefer), so it’s almost as if the campaign has come down to a matter of trust. But how do you trust a politician? You don’t. You focus on the concrete, the physical, the definites. War is definite. Towers falling and people dying is definite. That the U.S. hasn’t collapsed into a state of hysterical anarchy as a result of terrorism is definite (which MUST mean B*sh did a good job, right?). So much of the rest of this campaign is hazy; he said/he said bickering. Therefore we’re forced to look to the facts: what’s concrete, right there in front of us? Something I can make my mind up about in less than two seconds, so I don’t have to think too much (if we take time to think, the TERRORISTS WIN). Hmm…physical appearance! Of course! The Left needs pretty-boys! We have such a hard time differentiating between our politicians and our actors that we hold each to the same sad standard – “how much do I enjoy looking at you?” So the Democrats, aware of their candidates arguably-less-than-photogenic nature, latch their claws into poster-ready John Edwards, and send him out on the trail with John Cusack, Scott Wolf and that perennial political and intellectual heavyweight; Ashton Kutcher. Kutcher, incidentally, voted for George B*sh the last time around, so he must at least have a soul if he’s concerned about cleansing it of the sins of his previous life. (I will happily abstain from ranting about the “Punk’d” references rampant in news articles on both his Iowa and Minneapolis appearances). Why do you think Nader isn’t getting votes? He’s ugly as hell. It isn’t because he took enough votes away from Gore to put us in this mess, it isn’t because he’s taking donations from Republicans, it isn’t because just as in the last election, he’s focused his campaign on the swing-states, it isn’t because news media outlets are unwilling to feature him in a positive light, it isn’t even because he doesn’t have major party backing - where was I going with this? Fine, I guess it’s all the other stuff. You can go back to reading the Onion online now, I’m spent.

Tomorrow: The people in my office smoking lounge who yell their own answers to the TV showing ‘Family Feud’ and ‘The Price is Right,’ and why they rock my world.