“It’s a Fundamental Issue”

Perhaps more than any other political issue currently in play in this country, the one that most frustrates and infuriates me is the puritanical backlash against the idea of gay marriage, which is once again under fire in Minnesota this week. Needless to say, I’m nauseated by the excrement spewing from our politician’s mouths. But rather than mindlessly rant about these sanctimonious f*cks, (see, I've started already…), I’d much prefer to turn their diatribe on its head, as is my wont:

Dear People of Minnesota,

There is a grave threat in this state that endangers the very way we live our lives. It threatens our workplaces, our church communities, and our children. The only way to stem this malevolent tide is with a state constitutional amendment. Yes, fellow citizens, we must protect the sanctity of hockey by instituting a ban on lacrosse.

We have seen the degradation that has taken root in the once-vibrant hockey state of Massachusetts, and Hollywood is continually poisoning our youth with the notion that a lacrosse lifestyle is an acceptable option; these trends MUST STOP.

An amendment is a big step, I admit, but only an amendment can keep us safe from activist referees. The cancellation of the NHL season has proven that hockey is under fire. Action must be taken while public support is high. Nearly 70% of the state is against lacrosse, so passing such an amendment would merely be a logical reflection of the public will and a respect to the natural order; if God had wanted us to play lacrosse, he would have put nets on the ends of our sticks.

In addition, to address the needs of the unfortunate youths who have already deviated fully into the lacrosse counterculture, I propose that we allocate more public funds to state-sponsored programs that can work with existing church groups set up to carefully ease their transition back into society using time-tested and proven field-hockey and figure-skating therapy.

This is a state built on hockey values. Even for the non-religious, the issue is inarguable; an arena sport is defined as between a stick and a puck, just as nature intended. This principle is the fundamental tie that binds us together as a state. Hockey is our identity, and lacrosse must never be allowed to destroy that.

Sincerely,
Alexander Brukowski
Editor-In-Chief
Devious Nature


CC: Tim Pawlenty
Norm Coleman
Neal Broten
Johnny Rightwing