Cartoon Justice

As the Supreme Court nomination process heats up, I fear for the future of our nation's highest court. When B*sh was naming candidates for his cabinet last winter, I likened them to a gang of muppets. I miss those muppets. Our choices now are more like Looney Tunes. So, with that in mind, I give you:

Brukowski's Guide to the Supreme Court Nominees:

"Speedy" Gonzales (no relation to Alberto):

A tough-on-crime maverick, his anti-bandito policies quickly made Speedy a champion of the working poor. He wants to raise speed limits and is for opening up the borders with Mexico. His Latino background makes him an attractive candidate for the B*sh administration, and should garner support among moderates and liberals based on that fact alone. However, his catholic roots have instilled strong pro-life views and when combined with his frequent 'free the lab mice' campaigns make him highly unlikely to support stem-cell research.

Elmer Fudd:

Formerly Reagan's Ambassador to Zimbabwe, and today an obvious front-runner with Southern Republicans, his slow demeanor and regional colloquialisms should gain favor with the rural American public. Having been a card-carrying member of the NRA for the last 60 years, he is anti-gun control in the extreme. Has served for the last 13 years as director of the Department of Natural Resources.

"Yosemite" Sam:

Something of an unpredictable loner, this Texas gunslinger possesses his own brand of "justice" that some may find refreshing. In 1989, he was raised to the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals by George H.W. Bush and has shown himself to be pro-gun, pro-gambling and pro-death penalty. He has also controversially expressed an interest in the exploration of legalized prostitution as a form of tax revenue. During the vetting process, he would come under heavy fire for having sold arms to numerous foreign regimes over the last four decades, but hey, who hasn't?

Wile E Coyote:

A former roommate of George W. B*sh, and a one-time faculty member at MIT, he was recently named Poet Laureate of the state of Arizona. He has proven to possess an obsessive approach toward achieving his goals, ignoring all criticism, failures and injuries -– which makes him very attractive to the B*sh administration. He has frequently brokered multi-million-dollar no-bid government contracts with the ACME corporation, for whom he is the majority stockholder.

Marvin T. Martian:

A mysteryman and controversial candidate, his nomination should be considered a long-shot. He supports the systematic dissolution of NASA, and calls the international space station "a threatening gesture to our neighbors." He is frequently praised publicly by conservative leaders for his work with the Christian Children's Fund. However, not unlike John Bolton, he has long been criticized for his frequent emotional outbursts. The concept of gay marriage makes him "very,very angry."

And there you have it. With midterm elections just around the corner, the stakes are indeed high, as conservatives, moderates and liberals all try to come to some consensus on how best to keep Alberto Gonzales out.