Job, Well. . . Done.
I guess I have mixed feelings about the resignation of John “The underlying cause of crime in America is criminals” Ashcroft. Although I admit I am thoroughly mystified by his letter of resignation, which stated: “The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.” Wow. Really? Nice work, Johnny. Apparently B*sh’s dream of a post-9/11 world has finally been realized. And I quote:
Just three days removed from these events, Americans do not yet have the distance of history, but our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil. (Actual quote - George W B*sh, September 14th 2001)
Three years ago, we didn’t need 'the distance of history' to immediately realize that he had just uttered quite probably the most outrageous claim in the world’s rich history of madmen in power. Religions are based on more realistic goals. Well, it appears that John Ashcroft has indeed rid the world of crime and terror, or at least the United States (and lets face it, we ARE the world, right?).
Does anyone even remember terrorism? I saw a documentary on it on the history channel the other day and I forget what a scary couple of weeks that was before Tom Ridge and John Ashcroft’s steadfast and resolute oppression rounded up all the bad apples and made everything sunshine and lollypops again. Just like when we won the war on drugs in the 80’s, or when we rid the world of communism in the 90’s and racism in the 60’s? Remember them? Me neither. In fact, I can’t remember past last week’s episode of The Apprentice.
Ashcroft showed none of his usual cool and collected manner in what will stand as his final press conference as Attorney General:
“We got all the terrorists in Guantanimo and other sites I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of. No you can’t see them. Or know their names. Or their health status. Or how many there are. Look, we’re the American government, why would we lie to you? You pay our salary! Now if that’s not rock-solid logic, what is? I assure you, I have a list on my desk of all the terrorists and there’s a little check-mark next to every name so when I realized that we got the last one I decided there isn’t anything else for me to do around here. Look, if you like, I can show you the list but not for long enough for you to count the check marks or read the names or notice that I used human blood instead of ink. Would that make you happy?”
Ashcroft further pointed out that he had thought he was finished with terrorism some eight months ago, but as he was searching for a match with which to light his celebratory cigar, he noticed that his copy of the terrorist list was double-sided.
Unfortunately the bar was so lowered three years ago that anything short of the sacking of Washington DC is considered a win. And obviously that's all 51 percent of the voters needed.
And Alberto Gonzales, Ashcroft’s successor? Well, I don’t know much about him yet, beyond the fact that he once wrote a memo saying that the Geneva Convention didn’t apply to the war on terror and calling some of the convention’s provisions “quaint.” Obviously he won’t have much trouble fitting in at his new position. No ‘who’s-the-new-guy’ awkwardness here. It’ll be difficult to fill the Attorney General's jackboots, but it appears Gonzales is the right man for the job.
Just three days removed from these events, Americans do not yet have the distance of history, but our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil. (Actual quote - George W B*sh, September 14th 2001)
Three years ago, we didn’t need 'the distance of history' to immediately realize that he had just uttered quite probably the most outrageous claim in the world’s rich history of madmen in power. Religions are based on more realistic goals. Well, it appears that John Ashcroft has indeed rid the world of crime and terror, or at least the United States (and lets face it, we ARE the world, right?).
Does anyone even remember terrorism? I saw a documentary on it on the history channel the other day and I forget what a scary couple of weeks that was before Tom Ridge and John Ashcroft’s steadfast and resolute oppression rounded up all the bad apples and made everything sunshine and lollypops again. Just like when we won the war on drugs in the 80’s, or when we rid the world of communism in the 90’s and racism in the 60’s? Remember them? Me neither. In fact, I can’t remember past last week’s episode of The Apprentice.
Ashcroft showed none of his usual cool and collected manner in what will stand as his final press conference as Attorney General:
“We got all the terrorists in Guantanimo and other sites I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of. No you can’t see them. Or know their names. Or their health status. Or how many there are. Look, we’re the American government, why would we lie to you? You pay our salary! Now if that’s not rock-solid logic, what is? I assure you, I have a list on my desk of all the terrorists and there’s a little check-mark next to every name so when I realized that we got the last one I decided there isn’t anything else for me to do around here. Look, if you like, I can show you the list but not for long enough for you to count the check marks or read the names or notice that I used human blood instead of ink. Would that make you happy?”
Ashcroft further pointed out that he had thought he was finished with terrorism some eight months ago, but as he was searching for a match with which to light his celebratory cigar, he noticed that his copy of the terrorist list was double-sided.
Unfortunately the bar was so lowered three years ago that anything short of the sacking of Washington DC is considered a win. And obviously that's all 51 percent of the voters needed.
And Alberto Gonzales, Ashcroft’s successor? Well, I don’t know much about him yet, beyond the fact that he once wrote a memo saying that the Geneva Convention didn’t apply to the war on terror and calling some of the convention’s provisions “quaint.” Obviously he won’t have much trouble fitting in at his new position. No ‘who’s-the-new-guy’ awkwardness here. It’ll be difficult to fill the Attorney General's jackboots, but it appears Gonzales is the right man for the job.
posted by ab at 11/11/2004
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