Cartoon Justice II
First, you all must check THIS out. It's the 20-second television ad that Unicef recently ran in Belgium featuring the Smurfs village being graphically bombed. Yeah, that's right. Even if you're on a dial-up, check out the video, it's pretty low-res so it won't take more than a few seconds. OK, go now.
Attention grabbing, it must be said. But instead of reacting by meditating on the cruelty of war, I must admit that shortly after overcoming my horror at the butchering of one of my most beloved childhood cartoons, I rather callously began to ponder what other of my old favorites could be satirized with more or less gruesome results...
While fleeing storm-ravaged Louisiana, the Mystery Machine receives four flat tires and the Scooby-Doo gang find that their only hope for aid is at a spooky old mansion whose caretaker is the uber-creepy Michael Chertoff.
The G. I. Joe team learn a valuable and costly lesson: Members of "ruthless terrorist organizations" are not always identifiable by their garish snake costumes, nor are they likely to shout out the name of their group five seconds before each attack.
Yogi Bear, together with Boo-boo, give up their relaxed picnic-basket stealing trade and instead opt to periodically maul student hikers when they were forced from Jellystone Park after it is discovered to have sat upon a vast oil reserve.
The Jetsons' patriach George is fired, this time for good, when he blows the whistle on Mr. Spacely's corporate fraud after stumbling across material proving that stock prices had been artificially inflated. Meanwhile, Spacely competitor Mr. Cogswell wins a no-bid contract to rebuild war-torn Jupiter.
He-Man's alter-ego, Prince Adam, running on the slogan "We Have The Power," wins governorship of California. His move is to call for the legalization of gay marriage. He then spends the remainder of his press conferences insisting to a bloodthirsty media that Duncan, his 'Man-at-Arms,' is "just a friend."
Mickey Mouse, concerned about his flagging career after his divorce from Minnie, enters into an unholy marital alliance with Daisy Duck. He then spends the better part of a year carting his pregnant wife around the world preaching Scientology to an unsympathetic public and generally pathetically pleading for attention as if he were a 3-year old boy with a new baby sister.
Captain Caveman is shocked when he receives word from the Kansas State Board of Education that he may in fact have never existed. Instead, he is informed, he may simply be a fabrication by liberal college professors, cooked up as flimsy support for a largely unfounded theory that the earth is billions (not thousands!) of years old.
Speedracer opens his mailbox to discover that he has accumulated two dozen traffic tickets for running "photo enforced" traffic lights. He soon hires an ACLU attorney and they prepare a class-action suit.
The Transformers' Optimus Prime retires from fighting the Decepticons, instead founding a work-from-home internet business selling wicker furniture. With gas prices rising ever higher, he explains, it simply isn't monetarily practical to go speeding around in semi-truck form. Optimus further wonders if maybe he couldn't be modified to transform into a fuel-efficient hybrid or maybe a nice bicycle.
And so forth.
Attention grabbing, it must be said. But instead of reacting by meditating on the cruelty of war, I must admit that shortly after overcoming my horror at the butchering of one of my most beloved childhood cartoons, I rather callously began to ponder what other of my old favorites could be satirized with more or less gruesome results...
While fleeing storm-ravaged Louisiana, the Mystery Machine receives four flat tires and the Scooby-Doo gang find that their only hope for aid is at a spooky old mansion whose caretaker is the uber-creepy Michael Chertoff.
The G. I. Joe team learn a valuable and costly lesson: Members of "ruthless terrorist organizations" are not always identifiable by their garish snake costumes, nor are they likely to shout out the name of their group five seconds before each attack.
Yogi Bear, together with Boo-boo, give up their relaxed picnic-basket stealing trade and instead opt to periodically maul student hikers when they were forced from Jellystone Park after it is discovered to have sat upon a vast oil reserve.
The Jetsons' patriach George is fired, this time for good, when he blows the whistle on Mr. Spacely's corporate fraud after stumbling across material proving that stock prices had been artificially inflated. Meanwhile, Spacely competitor Mr. Cogswell wins a no-bid contract to rebuild war-torn Jupiter.
He-Man's alter-ego, Prince Adam, running on the slogan "We Have The Power," wins governorship of California. His move is to call for the legalization of gay marriage. He then spends the remainder of his press conferences insisting to a bloodthirsty media that Duncan, his 'Man-at-Arms,' is "just a friend."
Mickey Mouse, concerned about his flagging career after his divorce from Minnie, enters into an unholy marital alliance with Daisy Duck. He then spends the better part of a year carting his pregnant wife around the world preaching Scientology to an unsympathetic public and generally pathetically pleading for attention as if he were a 3-year old boy with a new baby sister.
Captain Caveman is shocked when he receives word from the Kansas State Board of Education that he may in fact have never existed. Instead, he is informed, he may simply be a fabrication by liberal college professors, cooked up as flimsy support for a largely unfounded theory that the earth is billions (not thousands!) of years old.
Speedracer opens his mailbox to discover that he has accumulated two dozen traffic tickets for running "photo enforced" traffic lights. He soon hires an ACLU attorney and they prepare a class-action suit.
The Transformers' Optimus Prime retires from fighting the Decepticons, instead founding a work-from-home internet business selling wicker furniture. With gas prices rising ever higher, he explains, it simply isn't monetarily practical to go speeding around in semi-truck form. Optimus further wonders if maybe he couldn't be modified to transform into a fuel-efficient hybrid or maybe a nice bicycle.
And so forth.
posted by ab at 10/18/2005
1 Comments:
fortunately optimus prime and the rest of the transformers run on energon. a very efficient and plentiful resource.
-source data: The Transformers, The Movie
posted by Dr. Venkman, digital analyst for Jeb Bush campaign for president in '08
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