Two Turkeys and a Pea-Brained Animal

I WISH I could make this stuff up:

WASHINGTON — President B*sh used the annual Thanksgiving turkey-pardoning rite Wednesday to roast the bitter campaign for the White House, jokingly recalling fund-raising disputes, attack ads and a polarizing political movie. "Now's the time for healing," he said, as he ceremonially spared two birds.
The winning "candidates" in his satirical rendition of the presidential campaign were Biscuits and Gravy, turkeys raised in Mathias, W.Va. Their names came out on top on an online contest.
"It was a close race. You might say it was neck and neck," B*sh said. He spoke in the Rose Garden during a rare joint appearance with Vice President Dick Cheney.
"It came down to a few battleground states. It was a tough contest, and it turned out some 527 organizations got involved, including Barnyard Animals for Truth," B*sh said, mocking the free-spending independent groups like Swiftboat Veterans for Truth known as 527s. The group raised questions about Democrat John Kerry's service in the Vietnam War.
"There was a scurrilous film that came out, 'Fahrenheit 375 Degrees At 10 Minutes Per Pound,"' he said, panning "Fahrenheit 9/11," the documentary film that assailed him over the handling of the Sept. 11 attacks and the war on terrorism.
As Bush spoke, the two birds pecked at hedges in the Rose Garden. After his remarks, B*sh, wary after being pecked in the midsection three years ago, kept a firm grip on one bird's neck.
. . .
The turkeys B*sh pardoned last year died within three months after their "pardons," a result of drugs that make them grow excessively, [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] said. (Associated Press as reported by the FOX News nitwork)

I'm sorry, I have a thousand jokes about this but it just stands too well on its own.