We Can Build You
The Minnesota Twins are currently accepting suggestions for their new stadium. I encourage you all to participate. In the hopes that my own humble ideas will inspire you, I've posted below a sampling of the dozens of submissions I've made over the last few weeks. Enjoy.
- Heated Seats. Do I need to explain this? Also, Opening Day should also be Twins Snow Shovel Day. We'll need them to reach our seats.
- Turn the seats around 180 degrees (from the artists renderings of the proposed orientation) so that the cheap seats can watch the game under the backdrop of the Minneapolis skyline and the infield season-ticket holders can enjoy the majestic outline of the Hennepin County garbage incinerator.
-"Puckett-Pohlad-Pawlenty-Carneal-Hormel-Jennie-O-Cambria-General Mills-3M-Cargill Park." Why would you need to tax us at all?
- New Mascot: No one understands T.C. the bear. We don't know where he came from or where he's going. And frankly, we don't care. We need a mascot who more closely resembles Minnesotans, one they can easily connect with. Thus, I propose: 'Fredrik the Fair-Weather Fan.' I picture Fredrik sporting a crisp, white, brand-new Twins Jersey proudly stamped with Joe Mauer's name and number. Through the slightly-translucent jersey one can observe a tattered old Randy Moss Vikings jersey hidden underneath. Purple tails peak out in back and remnants of smeared purple and gold face-paint dot the mascot's cheeks. Fredrik never misses the 'Kisscam' and always lustily sings along with 'God Bless America,' but often grows increasingly disinterested in the game. He only applauds when the scoreboard or organist prompts him and usually leaves before the top of the eighth inning.
- Father Louis Hennepin Fridays: Once per week, Hennepin County residents enjoy a generous 0.15% off their concessions purchases.
- Summit Anti-Family Section: I feel the "Dairy Queen Family Section" excludes a key demographic. The Summit Anti-Family Section would be a place where fans like me can drunkenly unleash a string of invective at the umpiring crew and loudly question the legitimate parentage of Derek Jeter without fear of reprisal from the parents of young children.
- Three words: "Kegerator Executive Suite."
- Away Fans' Section: How many times have you gone to a Twins game only to find yourself elbow-to-elbow with the opposition - a filthy Yankees, Brewers, White Sox fan? How about we allocate a section of seats for fans of the visiting team? They'd prefer to be surrounded by their own, anyway, right? It certainly works well in European soccer. They can sit near each other and root root root for the away team and we, the home fans, enjoy the added bonus of having a more densely-packed grouping of the enemy in which to aim our assorted missiles - be they batteries, beer containers or plastic bags of urine. Soccer fans have SO much to teach us, don't they?
- One GIANT Swastika. It's tradition.
- Our new stadium should be a hallmark of the democratic process. If the Twins manager wishes to make a pitching change while the starter is still pitching a shutout, the proposed move would require a stadium-wide referendum vote.
- Let's talk armrests. EACH SEAT NEEDS TWO! No share-zies. It's not that difficult. If I can get 'Stadium Seating' at the movie theater why do I get city-bus seating at the stadium?
- In order to generate more revenue - earmarked specifically for stadium-funding - any fan over the age of 13 who brings his or her baseball glove to the game should have to pay ten dollars extra. I mean, come on. I don't wear a helmet when I go to a football game or a cup when I go to a hockey game. Admittedly, in hindsight, each would certainly have proven useful in the past.
- Lastly, and most importantly: Every ballpark designer wants to install a distinctive feature - the 'Green Monster' at Fenway, the ivy at Wrigley, and, more recently, the centerfield hill at Minute Maid. It doesn't seem to matter how obnoxious the creative landscaping may be, so long as it's memorable and helps the home team make ESPN's highlight reels. Therefore, I propose we stamp our new ballpark with a uniquely Minnesota image. We should plant a 40-foot tall Norway Pine - our state tree - in deadaway center field, say about 300 feet from home plate. Obviously the grounds crew would have to do regular pruning to make sure it doesn't get too tall or too bushy, and balls that get caught in branches and never come down would have to count as ground-rule doubles, but lets not get bogged down with minutia. You want a green monster? We'd have our own. In fact, we'd call it "The Green Giant" (Ho Ho Ho, is that a Minnesota-based corporate sponsor on the phone?). I figure that with a little practice - by, say, All-Star break 2010 - our evergreen friend would provide us with JUST enough of an advantage over opposing outfielders (and hitters) that we would never once lament our lost Dome-team advantage. And we'd have a ready supply of fresh pine-tar.
- Heated Seats. Do I need to explain this? Also, Opening Day should also be Twins Snow Shovel Day. We'll need them to reach our seats.
- Turn the seats around 180 degrees (from the artists renderings of the proposed orientation) so that the cheap seats can watch the game under the backdrop of the Minneapolis skyline and the infield season-ticket holders can enjoy the majestic outline of the Hennepin County garbage incinerator.
-"Puckett-Pohlad-Pawlenty-Carneal-Hormel-Jennie-O-Cambria-General Mills-3M-Cargill Park." Why would you need to tax us at all?
- New Mascot: No one understands T.C. the bear. We don't know where he came from or where he's going. And frankly, we don't care. We need a mascot who more closely resembles Minnesotans, one they can easily connect with. Thus, I propose: 'Fredrik the Fair-Weather Fan.' I picture Fredrik sporting a crisp, white, brand-new Twins Jersey proudly stamped with Joe Mauer's name and number. Through the slightly-translucent jersey one can observe a tattered old Randy Moss Vikings jersey hidden underneath. Purple tails peak out in back and remnants of smeared purple and gold face-paint dot the mascot's cheeks. Fredrik never misses the 'Kisscam' and always lustily sings along with 'God Bless America,' but often grows increasingly disinterested in the game. He only applauds when the scoreboard or organist prompts him and usually leaves before the top of the eighth inning.
- Father Louis Hennepin Fridays: Once per week, Hennepin County residents enjoy a generous 0.15% off their concessions purchases.
- Summit Anti-Family Section: I feel the "Dairy Queen Family Section" excludes a key demographic. The Summit Anti-Family Section would be a place where fans like me can drunkenly unleash a string of invective at the umpiring crew and loudly question the legitimate parentage of Derek Jeter without fear of reprisal from the parents of young children.
- Three words: "Kegerator Executive Suite."
- Away Fans' Section: How many times have you gone to a Twins game only to find yourself elbow-to-elbow with the opposition - a filthy Yankees, Brewers, White Sox fan? How about we allocate a section of seats for fans of the visiting team? They'd prefer to be surrounded by their own, anyway, right? It certainly works well in European soccer. They can sit near each other and root root root for the away team and we, the home fans, enjoy the added bonus of having a more densely-packed grouping of the enemy in which to aim our assorted missiles - be they batteries, beer containers or plastic bags of urine. Soccer fans have SO much to teach us, don't they?
- One GIANT Swastika. It's tradition.
- Our new stadium should be a hallmark of the democratic process. If the Twins manager wishes to make a pitching change while the starter is still pitching a shutout, the proposed move would require a stadium-wide referendum vote.
- Let's talk armrests. EACH SEAT NEEDS TWO! No share-zies. It's not that difficult. If I can get 'Stadium Seating' at the movie theater why do I get city-bus seating at the stadium?
- In order to generate more revenue - earmarked specifically for stadium-funding - any fan over the age of 13 who brings his or her baseball glove to the game should have to pay ten dollars extra. I mean, come on. I don't wear a helmet when I go to a football game or a cup when I go to a hockey game. Admittedly, in hindsight, each would certainly have proven useful in the past.
- Lastly, and most importantly: Every ballpark designer wants to install a distinctive feature - the 'Green Monster' at Fenway, the ivy at Wrigley, and, more recently, the centerfield hill at Minute Maid. It doesn't seem to matter how obnoxious the creative landscaping may be, so long as it's memorable and helps the home team make ESPN's highlight reels. Therefore, I propose we stamp our new ballpark with a uniquely Minnesota image. We should plant a 40-foot tall Norway Pine - our state tree - in deadaway center field, say about 300 feet from home plate. Obviously the grounds crew would have to do regular pruning to make sure it doesn't get too tall or too bushy, and balls that get caught in branches and never come down would have to count as ground-rule doubles, but lets not get bogged down with minutia. You want a green monster? We'd have our own. In fact, we'd call it "The Green Giant" (Ho Ho Ho, is that a Minnesota-based corporate sponsor on the phone?). I figure that with a little practice - by, say, All-Star break 2010 - our evergreen friend would provide us with JUST enough of an advantage over opposing outfielders (and hitters) that we would never once lament our lost Dome-team advantage. And we'd have a ready supply of fresh pine-tar.
posted by ab at 8/23/2006
3 Comments:
Brilliant..the Green Giant.... who can top that?
Everybody's so wild about open concourses, so now the one place you can't see the game while in the stadium is at the pisser. I propose - for men only - open troughs! Build the men's restrooms facing the field, and instead of walling them off, install one-way mirrors so those using the trough can still see the game.
Mojowank
Also, Pat Reusse already suggested Wheaties Field. I think it's a good tie-in to a home town company, and has a ring to it kind of like Wrigley. Thoughts?
Mojowank
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