That'll Teach Him

For allegedly causing yesterday's train collision in California with his aborted suicide attempt, Juan Manuel Alvarez could face 11 counts of murder and the death penalty, says CNN. Does anyone else see the irony in that, or am I the only sane one left?

37 More Reasons For 85 People to be Wrong

How fitting, that Condeleeza Rice is confirmed by the senate on the deadliest day to date for U.S forces in the Iraq war. Don't forget to salute your flag bumper sticker when you get in your car tonight.

Reach Out and Touch Faith

Another snippet from the meticulously-worded inaugural address. This one I noticed on Dubyaspeak:

Self-government relies, in the end, on the governing of the self. That edifice of character is built in families, supported by communities with standards, and sustained in our national life by the truths of Sinai, the Sermon on the Mount, the words of the Koran, and the varied faiths of our people.

So that's how it's going to be.

WWWD?

Thank you, Senator Mark Dayton, for representing the Minnesotans who voted for you, by promising to cast a protest vote against Condeleeza Rice's secretary of state nomination. I'd like to think that your late colleague Paul Wellstone is smiling down on you from heaven. Although come to think of it, I'd also like to think that if there is a heaven, right now Paul is playing bocce' with Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, and Joey Ramone, and they're all blissfully unaware of what's going on down here.

Inauguration

George W: "There is only one force of [sic] history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment and expose the pretensions of tyrants and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant."

And that force is Impeachment.

End's Beginning

Inauguration.
I must admit, I've let this day catch me a bit by surprise. This would, of course, be a golden opportunity to write a scathing rant about the last four years and set my own personal tone for the next four. But it seems to be a recent habit of mine to ignore events that were marked on the calendar months in advance, as if such behavior will delay their arrival. Then naturally they hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving me unprepared and standing agape while I'm buried.

But I've no recourse but to dig my way out. And so must we all.

We have to roll up our sleeves, suck in our guts, fix our make-up, wipe the drool of our chins, and hey, do the damn laundry you f*cking slob. Because the fight starts again now. Hear that noise? That was the bell for the second round - now go out there swinging. We each have to fight this fight according to our own talents. We must support the causes we believe in, and make those beliefs known to anyone and everyone who will listen. Whether that means protesting the visit of a B*sh cabinet member to your town, donating money to Moveon.org, or introducing your catholic grandparents to your lesbian partner, we need to open the eyes of the nation, dammit.

Yes, you can make a difference. Run for public office in your community, go out and get that electric car you've been looking at, discourage the death penalty to your fellow jury members, smuggle prescription drugs in from Canada, sell your Halliburton stock along with your automatic "hunting" rifle and proudly consume products with the word "French" in them. Fight the f*cking power for crissakes.

If you don't like my plan, you can always look at it this way: in the direction this president has us headed, what are the odds we'll all even live to see four more years? Abysmal. So we may just be well over halfway done with this joker. That makes this the home stretch, my friends. If you like, you can just kick back and coast your way to an early grave. Sounds kinda nice, doesn't it?

Love Rocket

This is a bit difficult, because I could write pages on this, and make thousands of easy, bad, and/or tasteless jokes about it, and I am sorely tempted, but I’m going to leave that to the late-night talk shows. First from the story as reported by Reuters, based a document posted by watchdog group the Sunshine Project:

The U.S. military rejected a 1994 proposal to develop an "aphrodisiac" to spur homosexual activity among enemy troops but is hard at work on other less-than-lethal weapons, defense officials said Sunday.
The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a declassified six-year, $7.5 million request from a laboratory at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research.

The story says that the idea to develop such a weapon was offered but “was rejected out of hand,” which the Sunshine Project contested Monday, claiming that the idea of a homosexuality-causing bio-weapon was given serious consideration by the Pentagon, as recently as 2001. The document, which they obtained through a FOIA request, is posted here (.pdf).

Follow the links and make your own jokes. I will say no more, nor should I.

OK, I lied. You may have to catch the Tonight Show, the Late Show, etc. this week, to hear the following "jokes:"

"They were going to design the weapon based on Richard Simmons, so I guess they wouldn't be using STEALTH TECHNOLOGY!"

"Who needs to spend millions on a bio-weapon to make enemy troops gay; why don't they just airdrop posters of Jude Law!"

"Who needs to spend millions on a bio-weapon to make enemy troops gay; why don't they just airdrop posters of Starr Jones!"

"Finally, my gay-dar will prove USEFUL!"

Insert applause, laughing band leader here.

05-07-05

In honor of this week’s George W re-inauguration / 40-million dollar halftime show, I propose we recognize him in the time-honored tradition of political haiku-writing. (For those of you who may have smoked away the memories of elementary-school poetry writing, it’s three lines; first five syllables, followed by seven then five again, and don’t forget to include a nature/seasonal reference.) Here’s a few that I wrote. Submit yours in the 'Comment' link, and don't hesitate to enter multiple times.

The Maple Leaf calls
Mad cow, or mad president?
I can eat white meat.
-------------------------------------
Tap the goodness of
Alaskan wilderness oil
My truck is thirsty.
-------------------------------------
What’s global warming?
Will it offset the cold of
Nuke-yaler winter?
-------------------------------------

What are you waiting for? Make me proud.

[Abridged]

Last week there was an L.A. times article about the testimony of Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales saying that the White House had not only flaunted the Geneva Convention, but had actually sought to rewrite it, something one would think they lacked the authority, ability, or right to do.

I wanted to catch up with this story shortly after it broke, since I had obtained, by anonymous source, a copy of a memo on the subject, which I suspect the major news organizations had also received. They, however, unsatisfied with its authenticity and hung up on their desire to maintain a veneer of journalistic integrity, declined to publish it. I too have struggled for these last few days over whether to go public with this questionable document, but then I remembered that this blog is essentially just an exercise in libel, so I made an informed decision to continue to proudly parade out the questionable material, undisclosed sources, and obvious fabrications.
So here's a transcript of the memo, which appears to be written by Alberto Gonzales to George W B*sh:


'Sup GB,

1: What is story on Geneva Convention? Can we back out? Take creative liberties with interpretation? Who enforces? Aren't WE the world's police? Will world's crossing-guards descend with blue helmets to pummel us with baguettes?

2: Bill of Rights is major impediment to war on terror. Must rethink, look to streamline. Amendments One, Four, Six, Eight are quaint, obsolete. Suggest major revision.

Holla back, bitch.
Gonzo


Authentic? Expert forgery? You decide.

Anyone Surprised?

In case you missed it, there were no weapons of mass destruction, and elections in Iraq “will take place somehow.”

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em…

According to Newsweek, the Pentagon is considering something they call "The Salvador Option" as a possible solution to the impending years of occupation in Iraq. Yes, it’s yet another of those "other-governments-do-it-but-surely-not-ours" policies.

Here’s a bit of the article:

Now, NEWSWEEK has learned, the Pentagon is intensively debating an option that dates back to a still-secret strategy in the Reagan administration’s battle against the leftist guerrilla insurgency in El Salvador in the early 1980s. Then, faced with a losing war against Salvadoran rebels, the U.S. government funded or supported "nationalist" forces that allegedly included so-called death squads directed to hunt down and kill rebel leaders and sympathizers. Eventually the insurgency was quelled, and many U.S. conservatives consider the policy to have been a success—despite the deaths of innocent civilians and the subsequent Iran-Contra arms-for-hostages scandal.

Following that model, one Pentagon proposal would send Special Forces teams to advise, support and possibly train Iraqi squads, most likely hand-picked Kurdish Peshmerga fighters and Shiite militiamen, to target Sunni insurgents and their sympathizers, even across the border into Syria, according to military insiders familiar with the discussions. It remains unclear, however, whether this would be a policy of assassination or so-called "snatch" operations, in which the targets are sent to secret facilities for interrogation. The current thinking is that while U.S. Special Forces would lead operations in, say, Syria, activities inside Iraq itself would be carried out by Iraqi paramilitaries, officials tell NEWSWEEK.

After all, it’s not terrorism when we do it. Also, prepare yourselves for "We must use every means at our disposal to quell the insurgency," "It takes a thief to catch a thief," "Violence is the only language they understand," "It would be a bigger crime not to use their own tactics against them," and finally; "Yeah, well, they started it."

And it goes on:

Shahwani also said that the U.S. occupation has failed to crack the problem of broad support for the insurgency. The insurgents, he said, "are mostly in the Sunni areas where the population there, almost 200,000, is sympathetic to them." He said most Iraqi people do not actively support the insurgents or provide them with material or logistical help, but at the same time they won’t turn them in. One military source involved in the Pentagon debate agrees that this is the crux of the problem, and he suggests that new offensive operations are needed that would create a fear of aiding the insurgency. "The Sunni population is paying no price for the support it is giving to the terrorists," he said. "From their point of view, it is cost-free. We have to change that equation."

OH. MY. GOD.