We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia

“I noticed today that the elections are on schedule for June the 30th. What we're doing is the right thing in Iraq, and history will prove it right.” - George W B*sh, last week.
Seriously people, you gotta pay more attention to what he’s saying. The elections are scheduled for JANUARY 30TH. First comes a slip of the tongue from Dubya, then Cheney will do it a couple times, and by Christmas the entire administration will be using both months interchangeably in the same breath. By February, when someone finally takes notice, the press release will be issued: “The elections in Iraq are scheduled for June 30th. The have ALWAYS been scheduled for June 30th. The accusation that the date has been changed is totally false.” And the news media will never call them on it because they’ve learned to pick their battles - which they somehow always seem to lose anyway.
Why does the media pick their battles? Well, the election proved that people aren’t willing to listen to a deluge of facts coming from every direction. People want happy lies, not terrifying facts. Lies make sense, they all fit together like a nice little puzzle, at least they do if you squint enough – (too bad we don’t have universal healthcare, maybe we could afford to see what’s right in front of us), and the truth will give you a headache every time. We want reassuring thoughts about the world, and just one scandal at a time that we can talk about at the water-cooler for months on end – preferably sex-related or having to do with a dead rich person or both. We turn the media into Aesop’s dog at the riverbank, trying to do too much and reaching for what may exist rather than making due with the ample resources already at their disposal. They get a nice juicy 9/11 commission report in their mouth and they look down into the water and in their reflection they see another media-dog with another scandal in his jaws – “maybe HE’S got an Abu Ghraib report, I want that too.” And naturally they let the one go to reach for the other and lose both, what do they end up with? Thirty-second news reports that raise more questions than they answer. Not like what Our Elected Officials are telling us. They say everything’s OK, and the stuff that isn’t, soon will be. And all we remember from the evening’s news is the score from the Packers game and an interview with Ronald Reagan’s housekeeper’s nephew.
And naturally then comes the biggest question in journalism; fairness. The media fear to go after the administration too much, lest they be accused of ‘bias.’ Fantastic. You know, I saw a cop chasing a mugger down the street last week and the mugger turned to the cop and said “You’re spending too much time on me when there are so many other aspects of your job that you’re neglecting.” And then the cop apologized, wrote a jaywalking ticket to a nearby elderly woman, and then did a nine-minute feature about the holiday shopping season. OK, now I’M confused, which means this post is probably a few sentences too long. Like about 30.

Judicial Branch In-action

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Supreme Court on Monday sidestepped a dispute over same-sex marriages, rejecting a challenge to the nation's only law sanctioning such unions.

Justices had been asked by conservative groups to overturn the year-old decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Court legalizing same-sex marriage. They declined, without comment.

Hooray! Hooray for nothing! It’s a sad state of affairs when a non-loss is as good as a win. I’ve finally accepted the doom-and-gloom attitude of post-9/11 United States, which STILL has not crumbled under the threat of terrorism, thank-you-very-much. In other news, the U.S. has NOT invaded Iran*, North Korea has NOT detonated nuclear warheads on uninhabited Southeast Pacific islands*, Arnold Schwarzenegger is NOT eligible to run for U.S. President* and the ice caps have NOT melted.* All of which I attribute to the leadership of our elected officials, for simply being there when all the bad things didn't happen.

*Watch this space for updates.

Ill Communication

No I have not run out of material. Really. Turn on the news. Pick up a paper. Look around. Stop bitching about the weather for two seconds and listen. It's ludicrous out there. There's an embarrassment of topics both terrifying and hilarious and they're desperate to be put under the magnifying glass and/or the kaleidoscope.
Unfortunately, sickness and holidays have taken precedence for the last week but I shall soon return. 'I have not yet begun to fight' and other self-aggrandizing statements.

Presidential Indeed

Last week, when they opened Bill Clinton’s presidential library, while watching one of his interviews, I said to myself “now THERE goes a great man, an intelligent man, an honest man with morals and values, a true American patriot.”
And I actually meant it.
William Jefferson Clinton, I raise my Freedom Flask to you.

Thanksgiving Week

I thought that I'd forgo this week's caption contest and invite you all to play a little game I like to call "I Am Thankful..." in honor of the holiday week. I just think it's time for us all to take a moment and think about the many gifts we have that we often take for granted. For instance:

- I am thankful for the wisdom of my elected officials, who are honest, hardworking men and women who only want the best for their constituents.
- I am thankful for my health care plan, which allows me to talk my way into any prescription I want as long as I am willing to pay out the ass.
- I am thankful for same-sex marriage bans, which preserve the sanctity of my own stagnant, robotic sham-marriage.
- I am thankful that God is an American.

What are YOU thankful for? Submit your comments below.

From Soul Asylum to Faux Jean – My 12 Years of First Avenue and What They Meant To Me

Just kidding. I could wax allegorical for hours on the subject, but I’m going to keep it short, as I’ve come to realize there’s a reason why I rarely post on Fridays. I went to a Clearchannel show at the Quest a week after First Avenue closed, and I felt as if I had gone to a prostitute while my wife was in a coma. Now that it's reopened, don’t take the Ave for granted. The alternative is ugly, immoral, expensive, and just plain nasty.

Congressional Calvinball

The only rule is that you can change the rules as soon as the old ones no longer benefit you:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- House Republicans approved a party rules change Wednesday that could allow Majority leader Tom DeLay to retain his leadership post if he is indicted by a Texas grand jury on state political corruption charges.
By a voice vote, and with a handful of lawmakers voicing opposition, the House Republican Conference decided that a party committee of several dozen members would review any felony indictment of a party leader and recommend at that time whether the leader should step aside.
The current party rule in this area requires House Republican leaders and the heads of the various committees to relinquish their positions if indicted for a crime that could bring a prison term of at least two years.

So what's more disturbing; that they changed their rule in DeLay's favor or that it was necessary to have that rule in the first place? Is this a common problem for the Republicans?
I thoroughly enjoy how the pundits/wags/talking heads are saying things to the effect of "now the Republicans have lost credibility in saying that they are the party that takes the moral high-ground." NOW they lost that credibility? THIS is what did it? Anyone who fell for that line before is going to need more than this to reconsider their skewed view of the Republicans, as at this point they're obviously willing to let the them get away with murder (literally and/or metaphorically). Of course they can SAY they're "on the moral high-ground." They've already proven to that no matter what their actions, as long as the tripe that spills from their smiling faces says "moral," "ethical," and "family values," the sheep will believe, in complete juxtaposition to mountains of evidence. George B*sh says the election gave him "capital." What his party sees is a blank check written by a "majority" of the nation, and they're just going to keep adding zeros to it until the damn thing bounces. And the second Reich of B*sh hasn't yet begun.

As a Postscript: just out of curiosity, I did some digging online and discovered some other relevant National Republican Party rules I didn't know about:

24 - (a) House Republican Members elected on a platform of creationism will not serve on the House Science Committee and (b) Republican Congressional members who are not literate will not serve on the Joint Library of Congress Committee.

154 - Freshman Republican Congressional members with a history of alcoholism will not receive a "Freedom Flask" or a bottle of "Uncle Thurmond's Carolina Bourbon" with their welcome gift basket.

176 - Any Republican Congressional member currently registered as a sex offender is not allowed within 50 feet of the Capital Hill Day-Care Center.

Two Turkeys and a Pea-Brained Animal

I WISH I could make this stuff up:

WASHINGTON — President B*sh used the annual Thanksgiving turkey-pardoning rite Wednesday to roast the bitter campaign for the White House, jokingly recalling fund-raising disputes, attack ads and a polarizing political movie. "Now's the time for healing," he said, as he ceremonially spared two birds.
The winning "candidates" in his satirical rendition of the presidential campaign were Biscuits and Gravy, turkeys raised in Mathias, W.Va. Their names came out on top on an online contest.
"It was a close race. You might say it was neck and neck," B*sh said. He spoke in the Rose Garden during a rare joint appearance with Vice President Dick Cheney.
"It came down to a few battleground states. It was a tough contest, and it turned out some 527 organizations got involved, including Barnyard Animals for Truth," B*sh said, mocking the free-spending independent groups like Swiftboat Veterans for Truth known as 527s. The group raised questions about Democrat John Kerry's service in the Vietnam War.
"There was a scurrilous film that came out, 'Fahrenheit 375 Degrees At 10 Minutes Per Pound,"' he said, panning "Fahrenheit 9/11," the documentary film that assailed him over the handling of the Sept. 11 attacks and the war on terrorism.
As Bush spoke, the two birds pecked at hedges in the Rose Garden. After his remarks, B*sh, wary after being pecked in the midsection three years ago, kept a firm grip on one bird's neck.
. . .
The turkeys B*sh pardoned last year died within three months after their "pardons," a result of drugs that make them grow excessively, [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] said. (Associated Press as reported by the FOX News nitwork)

I'm sorry, I have a thousand jokes about this but it just stands too well on its own.

Mr. Guzman Goes To Washington

Cristian Guzman today bid a fond "Hasta la vista, suckers" to Minnesota Twins fans when he signed a multi-year deal with the Expos. "No one believed me when I said I was going to Canada if B@sh won the election," He boasted to a throng of reporters. "I'm getting as far away from Washington D.C. as I can. Enjoy tyranny, chumps." As Guzy departed, a reporter timidly informed him of the Expos impending relocation. To which the speedy Dominican responded by cursing several times in his native Spanish, then, producing a switchblade from his shoe, threw it at the Journalist, only to see the knife bounce three times and roll harmlessly through the man's legs.

Vaya con Dios, Amigo. We'll miss you.

Promises, promises

I promise I will never post just for the sake of posting.
Starting tomorrow.

Caption Writing Contest: Submit your own caption in the 'comment' link below. The prize - a sense of self-satisfaction, which is, of course, priceless.

WINNER: bruskimon with "Hey Colin. How many WMDs did you say?" Congratulations. Anyone who wishes to make accusations of nepotism should send them to: jeb.bush@myflorida.com.

The Sword of Peace

"I think it is fair to say that I believe we've got a great chance to establish a Palestinian state," B*sh said Friday. "And I intend to use the next four years to spend the capital of the United States on such a state." So now we know his pet project for the next four years (never mind where this ‘capital’ comes from). B*sh wants to join the decades-long tradition of U.S. Presidents who really really want peace between Israelis and Palestinians but haven't got the slightest clue as to how to go about it. B*sh, also following in the footsteps of his predecessors, will presumably sell Israel as many smart-bomb equipped F-16s as are necessary to achieve that peace. How admirable. Unfortunately, our commander-in-thief is incapable of mediation. It must be all the sitting still and talking he has a problem with. He has to take sides in everything, always has to be a rabble-rouser. I think he may be missing a chromosome pair. Everything he touches turns to civil war. The only reason the citizens of his own country haven’t taken up arms against him is because the vast majority of our guns are owned by his supporters – be they law enforcement, military, or hick.
"We seek a democratic, independent and viable state for the Palestinian people” he promises. So; democratic, independent, and viable, like, where, Iraq? OK, to be fair (HA!), it’s a vastly different situation, but my question is: what happens when an intelligence report suggests that a senior PLO official knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody who may have financially supported Al Qaida? What happens when one of B*sh’s advisors informs him that Palestinians are Muslims. Who’s going to pull B*sh’s hand away from The Button then; Colin Powell??? Uh oh. Our only hope is that the rest of the world; the UN, NATO, the EU, Arab League, UNICEF, OPEC, WTO, WWF, FIFA, the NFL, The Red Cross, Amnesty International and a whole lot more all get together and keep us from f*cking it up. Every nation in the world will be united over the next four years, not so much in opposition to us, but in an attempt to steer us in vaguely the right direction. We’ve become the ADD/hyperactivity child in the world family. The UN isn’t going to make any progress with us if it just stands there yelling “NO!” every time we’re roughhousing indoors or tormenting the cat. They’re going to have to put our energy to good use, like “maybe you want to join a nice soccer team or a cub scout troop (nice military-looking uniforms, wouldn’t that be fun?)”. They’ll have to make sure we complete our projects “Honey, finish up with Bin Laden before you play with Saddam,” and make sure we clean up after ourselves, “Alright Mister, you left a mess all over Iraq, you’re not allowed to go marching over to Israel or North Korea until you’ve tidied up.”
Otherwise they’re going to have to grind Ritalin into our peanut butter, and what does that solve?
Where was I again? Oh yes: if this doesn’t happen, we’ll never see mideast peace in our lifetimes (2-3 more years).
whatever, I never promise to deliver gold on a Monday. Or for that matter, ever.
Peace.

Colectomy

OK so I really just wanted to use that title before I saw it somewhere else so I can think I'm all clever and stuff. But yeah Colin Powell's out, joining an ever-growing list of cabinet members who woke up on November 3rd and said "Holy sh*t, how did such a corrupt and evil administration win re-reelection? I'm ashamed to call myself an American, I'm quitting my job and moving to Canada." Also resigning today are: Abraham, Paige and Veneman, who I believe headlined the KQRS stage at last summer's Taste of Minnesota.

Yusuf Islam (nee Cat Stevens) who was denied entry into the United States in September for alleged terrorist ties, was presented with the "Man for Peace" prize on Tuesday by none other than Nobel Peace Prize winner Mikhail Gorbachev. No, really. No jokes.

Job, Well. . . Done.

I guess I have mixed feelings about the resignation of John “The underlying cause of crime in America is criminals” Ashcroft. Although I admit I am thoroughly mystified by his letter of resignation, which stated: “The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.” Wow. Really? Nice work, Johnny. Apparently B*sh’s dream of a post-9/11 world has finally been realized. And I quote:

Just three days removed from these events, Americans do not yet have the distance of history, but our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil. (Actual quote - George W B*sh, September 14th 2001)

Three years ago, we didn’t need 'the distance of history' to immediately realize that he had just uttered quite probably the most outrageous claim in the world’s rich history of madmen in power. Religions are based on more realistic goals. Well, it appears that John Ashcroft has indeed rid the world of crime and terror, or at least the United States (and lets face it, we ARE the world, right?).
Does anyone even remember terrorism? I saw a documentary on it on the history channel the other day and I forget what a scary couple of weeks that was before Tom Ridge and John Ashcroft’s steadfast and resolute oppression rounded up all the bad apples and made everything sunshine and lollypops again. Just like when we won the war on drugs in the 80’s, or when we rid the world of communism in the 90’s and racism in the 60’s? Remember them? Me neither. In fact, I can’t remember past last week’s episode of The Apprentice.

Ashcroft showed none of his usual cool and collected manner in what will stand as his final press conference as Attorney General:

“We got all the terrorists in Guantanimo and other sites I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of. No you can’t see them. Or know their names. Or their health status. Or how many there are. Look, we’re the American government, why would we lie to you? You pay our salary! Now if that’s not rock-solid logic, what is? I assure you, I have a list on my desk of all the terrorists and there’s a little check-mark next to every name so when I realized that we got the last one I decided there isn’t anything else for me to do around here. Look, if you like, I can show you the list but not for long enough for you to count the check marks or read the names or notice that I used human blood instead of ink. Would that make you happy?”

Ashcroft further pointed out that he had thought he was finished with terrorism some eight months ago, but as he was searching for a match with which to light his celebratory cigar, he noticed that his copy of the terrorist list was double-sided.

Unfortunately the bar was so lowered three years ago that anything short of the sacking of Washington DC is considered a win. And obviously that's all 51 percent of the voters needed.
And Alberto Gonzales, Ashcroft’s successor? Well, I don’t know much about him yet, beyond the fact that he once wrote a memo saying that the Geneva Convention didn’t apply to the war on terror and calling some of the convention’s provisions “quaint.” Obviously he won’t have much trouble fitting in at his new position. No ‘who’s-the-new-guy’ awkwardness here. It’ll be difficult to fill the Attorney General's jackboots, but it appears Gonzales is the right man for the job.

Bad mood. If you care to join me:
icasualties.org/oif/

Villainy

I'd like to address the Republicans for a moment, if I may. I know that out of the 15-20 or so people who read this blog (stop counting in your head, I padded the number. happy?), approximately NONE of you voted for B*sh, but lets play along shall we? I could be wrong. Now, Republicans: When we Democrats, (Or "Independents," "Liberals," "Tree-huggers," "Baby-killers," I honestly don't know what your people call my people when we're out of earshot), when we so frequently say that George W B*sh “has blood on his hands,” I don’t think you quite grasp what that metaphor means. You people seem to think it’s a reference to the crucifixion of Jesus. If you'd spent half the amount of time READING your bible that you spend noisily misinterpreting it, you might realize just how terribly un-christlike this man is. This is not a peaceful man. This is not a man who has shown any desire toward self-sacrifice. He's got 300 million perfectly good bodies to toss on top of the proverbial grenade first. No conscience whatsoever. I can’t BELIEVE that half the country actually buys that contrite mask he tosses onto his face when he talks about war. Somehow I think that wanker sleeps better at night than I do. In fact I know it. I KNOW his dreams aren't tortured with images of dancing electric chairs, hanging chads, abridged Bills of Rights, Strategic Defense Initiaves, Iraqi-child ‘collateral damage,’ national debt, bunker-busting nuclear warheads, crucifix-adorned American flags, free speech zones, blacklisted homosexuals, national park oil fields, back alley abortions, land-mined playgrounds, 2.5 SUVs per family, arsenic tap-water, mid-east war, south-east war, civil war and an American military death in Iraq every 12.5 hours.
Aaaanyway…
If our words have any symbolic meaning beyond the obvious metaphor (hint - it's OTHER people's blood on his hands, get it now?), it's quite the opposite of a reference to Jesus. You people are all so moral and pious, didn't you even bother reading to the END of the Bible? Quoth the Book of Revelations, 6:8:

And yea, in mockery of the Lord God Almighty, the Angel of Death will rise up as a Burning Bush, and Pestilence, War, and Famine will follow in the terrible power of the Bush, quartering the earth in their spoils.

Now, I'm no theologian, but that seems fairly straightforward to me.

OK fine, so he may, I say MAY, not be the angel of death. He may not be the anti-christ. I actually see him more like the super-villain in a James Bond movie (except for the "super-genius" part). Everyone's seen the movies and knows the formula. You know: There's that part of the movie where Bush has the USA captured and helpless, and he's all smug in the fact that it can't possibly escape his clutches this time. But instead of simply shooting the USA in the head and continuing unchecked through his devious plot, he has to toy with the country, taunt it, show it around his secret lair and try to crush the American spirit before killing it in an dramatically elaborate way. He shows the country his spiffy flight-suit, and bulletproof windows, takes the nation on a tour of his nuclear silo, spaceship hanger, chemical weapons lab, and Lincoln bedroom. Then he introduces the US to the desirable bikini-clad Great Britain, who immediately falls for the US's charms and is essentially good at heart but has been coerced into George W's monomaniacal plans for world domination, and now can only secretly hope that the US will fight a way to freedom again for them both. And then at the end of the tour comes the obligatory shark tank. So then just as George W. is lowering the bound and gagged US into the deadly reach of the frenzied sharks, the nation manages to wriggle free of its bonds. And what, dear friends, does the US do at this critical moment, this climax of a multi-million-dollar movie? Why it's obvious, you fools, you've seen the films. The U.S quite resourcefully looks over at its impossibly high-tech magnetic watch, then concentrates carefully on the metal switch across the room that would enable the irreversible self-destruct sequence for George W B*sh's entire fortress, then takes a deep breath, and yells: "President B*SH! President B*SH! I nearly escaped, you'd better retie me, only tighter this time!"

Yep.

WHO SAID IT?
"As you can see, I'm going to inaugurate a little war."

A) George W B*sh,

or

B) Ernst Stavro Blofeld?

It's Monday... Are You Ready For Some Softball?

In the subject of trivialities, I really am quite obsessed with the local Fox news affiliate. Specifically, Trish Van Pilsum and the FOX 9 Investigators, that hard-hitting news team that recently broke the lid off of "Schoolyard Bullying" and dirty partisan politics in "Sign Theft." Here's the synopsis of the story they featured last night creatively titled "Dorm Room Test."
From KSTP.COM (be sure to note the spelling error and awful grammar/syntax):

The FOX 9 Investigators surveyed every college in the state and asked whether they had sprinklers and what kind of materials go into dorm beds and furniture. We also set up a test. Using an old building used to house medical offices in Coon Rapids, we furnished two rooms. One, like a prison cell with non-combustible materials. We also installed a sprinkler because 75 percent of the Minnesota's prisons have sprinkler systems. The other we set up like a dorm; wood furniture, a mattress that isn't flame retardant and no spinkler [sic]. That's because the FOX 9 Investigators discovered many of the state's dorm rooms don't have sprinklers. Jamie Novak, the fire safety educator for St. Paul's fire department, sets the mattress in the cell on fire. In the dorm room, he puts a blanket on a halogen light. In just a short time, fires are burning in both rooms. 7 minutes and 50 seconds after the cell is lit on fire, the sprinkler goes off and the damage is very small. At the same time, the dorm is an inferno. Before long, it is some 1600 degrees and the room is destroyed.

Hmm, seems to me there's a vital piece of information missing here... now let me see... dorm room...prison cell...what's the difference? Oh yeah. LOCKED DOORS? BARS? Seems to me that prison cell evacuation is significantly more difficult due to the whole forced-incarceration thing. Perhaps. Seems to me, that they'd BETTER have the most expensive sprinkler system known to humanity. "It's weird that we give our prisoners more safety than we do our college students" mused fire educator Novak in the oft-repeated promo. Which implies that prisoners should be the (allegedly) endangered ones, 'cuz they're not people, per se, and our students can safely sleep off their hangovers with the soft, snuggly knowledge that sprinklers will keep them safe and sound while the felons burn.
Incidentally, the halogen light example they used to start the fire is lazy research on their part, as halogen lights have been outlawed for years in the vast majority of residence halls nationwide. Which, by the way, angered me to no end, as they mandated this at my University barely two weeks into my freshman year, so as a result, I was unable to use my phat lamp which I thought was harmless. Or my harmless lamp I thought was phat. Either way, two years later I finally got their point when aforementioned lamp set fire to a june bug. But I digress.
If there were sprinklers in dorm rooms, it would only be a matter of time before some crazy stoner whose name no one remembers but he wandered in after that party and I thought you invited him me no I thought he was your friend who cares his stuff is really good starts an argument about whether that sprinkler head is really connected to the water line or if it's just glued on there sugar-pill style and before you know it I'm standing on Adam's bed with my mini-blow-torch lighter cuz I got five bucks that says that sprinkler's a placebo hey I just remembered the word it's "placebo" and then the sprinkler goes off and dammit dude there's water totally ruining my pulp fiction poster phish cassette bootlegs and rolling stones.

It saddens me to attack such a terribly easy target like Fox (see the title line), but I'm still waiting for my election-day liquid rage to cool and coagulate into solid rocks I can wing out the second-story of my glass house. Until that time, I'm just going to live in a fantasy world where there's nothing more important to rail against than Trish Van Pilsum's misplaced journalistic integrity. And to be perfectly honest, I once fooled myself into having respect for that woman. And I really hate to be proven wrong about people. Me and my silly notions about giving the proverbial "benefit of the doubt." What a sucker. "Innocent until proven guilty?" THAT'S the sort of naïve way of thinking that undermines the American Dream and helps the terrorists, hippy. Um, this is starting to drift in a rather bad direction, soo, that's all for now.

No Stone Unturned. No Phone Untapped.

In his acceptance speech Wednesday, President B*sh promised “I will continue to govern with a moral compass, as I faithfully defend the Constitution of the United States. Contrary to Democratic campaign criticisms, I promise that we can effectively wage the war on terror while upholding all seven Amendments to the Bill of Rights, as our forefathers envisioned.” He then invoked several powers granted him by the Patriot Act, which empowered him to outlaw abortions, recycling, and atheism, in the name of national security. He further warned that something he called “public homosexuality,” will now be punishable by indefinite detention in Guantamino Bay, and “swift suspension of the basic human rights normally afforded to God-fearing heteros.” He finished his 2 hour and 25 minute speech by expressing regret at having to go to such extreme measures, but warning that if he failed to use all the means at his disposal to root out terror, it would do dishonor to the memory of the victims of September 11th. Attendees then nodded solemnly and respectfully applauded him out.


Oooh, my... That's enough of that. It's the only way I can think of to keep from breaking stuff, OK? I'm off to Chicago for the weekend for some much-needed stress-relief, after which I'm sure to go back to writing about fluffy bunnies and brownie recipes...

Conceded and Conceited

"never mind they call you liar and thief
by now you're undisputed commander-in-chief."

60 Million Fools Can't Be Wrong!

Over 60 million American citizens aged 18 and older have a severe learning disorder, according to a government-sponsored IQ test administered Tuesday. An explanation for how 51% of the test-takers can achieve a score considered to represent the intelligence level of the bottom two percent of the populace has confounded statisticians the world over. A government-appointed analyst, speaking on condition on anonymity, commented "Obviously the scores need to be re-centered for today's class of dimwit. There has been a steady trend over the last few years and we now have a 21st century American who has no forethought, is easily distracted by shiny objects, and generally lacks common sense. These results are undeniable."
In a press conference this morning, Republican George W. B*sh responded; "No child left behind. Nine-eleven. Litmus test. Terra. Nukeyaler. Sanctity of marriage. Osama Bin Laden. God Bless America," then received 25 minutes of applause.

The Revolution WILL Be Televised

Will it ever...Democrats: Set your VCRs. Republicans: Set your TiVos. Minnesota hasn't given its votes to a Republican for President since 1972. The longest such current streak in the country - by far (thank you VERY much Mr. Mondale). Gore won here in 2000, AND we (yes, "we") even gave Nader five percent. And despite our newly-elected Republican senator and governor, I still have faith in the state that introduced Paul Wellstone to the world, and I'm confident will one day put Al Franken on the federal payroll.
Anyway, 10 electoral votes isn't the election. I'm pretty much terrified, and if you aren't, you're either a righty, delusional, or both. After I vote this afternoon I'm planning on curling up into the fetal position and having a good, long cry. Then drinks.

Not Bitter At All. Why Do You Ask?

True to form, at today's John Edwards rally in Saint Paul, Democrats paraded out Minnesota's own swoon-worthy Hollywood star, Josh Hartnett, who admonished the Hamline University crowd: "The country has already started to slide in a direction we don't want it to slide. We have a chance now to pull back the reins before it gets too far" (Startribune.com). Diverting briefly from politics, he managed to squeeze in a plug for one of his many new projects, and further promised; "You can see me soon at your favorite bar or restaurant, where I will divert the attention of every woman in the room, thus completely destroying any slim chance you had of getting some."

At least that's what I heard him say.

Motorcade Of Generosity

I drove past the John Edwards motorcade last night, and despite all my out-the-window fist-pumping, could not get the bus driver to honk the horn, much to my sorrow. What a missed opportunity for them. This race is going to come down to trivial crap like that. Two of these candidates are going to be sitting at home this winter musing; “If only we have honked more. I knew waving wasn’t good enough. It’s too British royal family. Working class Americans don’t wave, they honk.” That’s worth at least half a percentage point. Hell, if the driver had honked, I’d vote Democrat tomorrow as many times as I could.