Hiatus

Editor's Note: Alex Brukowski is away this week on a mission of self-discovery. A June Sixth return is expected, but is by no means guaranteed. In his absence, please consider the comment link below to be an open thread for your links, poems, rants, or anything that's on your mind. He has assured us that he will check back regularly, and will make every attempt to respond to any questions, concerns and/or personal attacks.

Thank you,
The Editors.

All in the Name of Liberty

Perhaps Pentagon spokesman Lawrence Di Rita is finally starting to ease us into the truth:

"There have been instances, and we'll have more to say about it as we learn more, but where a Quran may have fallen to the floor in the course of searching a cell." (CNN)

That makes sense, doesn't it? Picture this: A detainee sees his guard rifling through his bed, a routine search for contraband, and his Quran just happens to fall out of the sheets and onto the floor. So the prisoner assumes the worst, a classic "you did that on purpose!" accusation. And, well, you know, maybe it fell out of the sheets and the guard tried to catch it, you know, to keep it from falling on the floor. Then of course it would technically have been handled by a "non-believer." That couldn't have been helped, surely. And maybe at some point in the process of beating a prisoner senseless, or during the gential fondling, the threats with guard dogs, the electrocutions, hoodings, sleep deprivations, drug injections, forced pornography-viewings, or prayer-time-mockings, a Quran at one time or another may possibly have fallen into a toilet which was then flushed. Is that so hard to believe? No. I mean, accidents happen.

The ACLU has you, so f*cking fess up already.

And from the above CNN article, your ironic quote of the day:

"We know that members of al Qaeda are trained to mislead and to provide false reports."
– White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan

Inherit the Wind

Hurray! Today marks the 80th Anniversary of the indictment of John Scopes. Boy, it's amazing how far we've come since then. Things are much better now. We're such an enlightened society. Yep, you won't hear people teaching about how Satan planted the dinosaur bones these days. Oh no, now we know the truth.

Monday Babble

Have you ever (only half-accidentally) watched five minutes of "COPS" and suddenly realize that you're fervently hoping that the alleged teenaged drug-dealer is innocent and Officer Mustache will be called on to justify his prejudiced assumptions and smarmy self-righteousness?
I only ask because me neither.

Friday Haikus

My car died today
I'll bury her in the earth
then go bike shopping

I would drive my car
into the sunset, once more
but West is uphill

Brother, Can You Spare a Dime-a-Gallon?

Why so glum Governor Pawlenty? Casino idea pulled from committee? Property-tax freeze idea unpopular? Forced to veto a transportation bill because it includes a gas tax, due to your well-intentioned but delusional campaign promises? You need money, my friend. Your credit limit is looming. You’re a Republican, have you forgotten what that’s all about? It’s not all borrowing, you know. It isn’t all wars and bigotry, either. It’s about giving no-bid contracts to mega-corporations. It’s about putting a price-tag on anything and everything. You know all this, surely. You’re on the right track but I don’t feel like you quite get it.
Every day I see a thousand examples of public property absolutely dying for corporatization. Still don’t know what I’m talking about? I'll give you a hint:




You're missing a major opportunity here. Commuters are wasting precious minutes every day in close proximity to signs that could be selling them goods and services. Sure, we have billboards, but we often have to crane our necks to see them and we're busy people - we really only have time to read the informational signs when we’re zipping down the highway at six miles per hour.
It’s sad, but sometimes I make it all the way to work without once feeling insecure about my choice of fabric-softener. Do you realize that? I’ve been known to go hours without asking myself “do my teeth look their whitest?” and that's just not right. I mean, who among us hasn’t thought, “I'm driving down a one-way street, sure, but where can I find ‘like-new’ furniture at bargain-basement prices?”
Come on, man, you just try and tell me you've never waited at a stoplight and pictured that ugly hunk of steel decked out like a damn NASCar.
You can help us fix this problem, Timmy. And your corporate leash-holders will love you for it. They'll give you a pat on the back, and scratch your belly just like you love so much. Maybe they'll even let you run around in the park for awhile. Wouldn't that be nice? You can even tell everyone it was all your idea. I don't mind. But, please, make this plan happen. You owe it you to your consitituents - nay - you owe it to yourself.
Good luck.

Editor-in-Chief

Dear Newsweek,

Shame on you for accepting responsibility for your alleged 'inaccuracies,' consistent with your J-School media ethics coursework (Yeah, I've been there). Surely you know that whatever pressure you succumb to would only encourage Them. Now the White House is calling for more, and while every fiber of my being says that, yes, the media should be held accountable for its own errors - if you give these feds an acre, they'll happily harvest the whole damn plot. Surely you must know that by now. They're saying that YOU have tarnished the good name of the United States. There surely can't be a man, woman or child in this nation who doesn't see the fallacy in that statement, but they're getting away with it. They won't stop until every Newsweek employee is wandering the streets of Kabul handing out "USA: A-O.K." buttons and every time you want to so much as publish a page 37 "Britney Spears Pregnancy Watch" blurb in that magazine of yours, it will have to pass muster with the thought police. And if you don't think it will spread to every other magazine, newspaper, television affiliate, blog, brochure, flyer, poster and cocktail-napkin-scribble, you've been smoking too much of that Afghani opium our military actions have made so readily available.
I beseech you, retract the retraction, before it's too late. Do you think "Libel" is a term to keep a reporter up at night? Consider the words "Prior Restraint" and you just TRY to make it 'til morning without wetting the bed.

Yours in poorly-concealed liberalism,

Alex Brukowski

P.S:Please stop sending re-subscription invitations. It's been four years. It's over. I've moved on. I'm sorry. There's someone out there for you, I just know it. Things seem tough right now, but with your personality, I'm sure you’ll make someone very happy.

Hideous, George

Yes, George Lucas, I will reluctantly fork over eight bucks to watch your special effects orgy. And if the dialogue isn't an improvement over the previous two. . .

"I don't like sand. It's all gritty and rough. Not like you. You're soft and smooth."
- Episode Two

. . .your Indiana Jones 4 had better not be a 'talkie.'

Gorgeous, George.

Courtesy of Crooks and Liars, British Parliament member George Galloway tore Minnesota’s own Senator Norm Coleman a new one today in response to accusations that Galloway was profiting from corruption in the Iraqi Oil-For-Food program.

Senator, I gave my heart and soul to oppose the policy that you promoted. I gave my political life's blood to try to stop the mass killing of Iraqis, by the sanctions on Iraq.
. . .
I gave my heart and soul to stop you committing the disaster you did commit in invading Iraq. And I told the world that your case for the war was a pack of lies. I told the world that Iraq, contrary to your claims, did not have weapons of mass destruction. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to al Qaeda. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to the atrocity on September 11th, 2001. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that the Iraqi people would resist a British and American invasion of their country and that the fall of Baghdad would not be the beginning of the end but merely the end of the beginning. Senator, in everything I said about Iraq, I turned out to be right, and you turned out to be wrong, and a hundred-thousand people have paid with their lives.
. . .
Senator, this is the mother of all smokescreens, you are trying to divert attention from the crimes that you supported.

Sorry Norm. Your claim to fame will always be bringing pro hockey back to Minnesota when you were mayor of St. Paul. At some point the real world will beckon and you'll have to pull your foam finger out of your ass to face it.

5/18 UPDATE: CNN at last has a "rush transcript" up (certainly better than my five minute abbreviated attempt above). Highly recommended reading.

[click to enlarge...slightly]

Caption Writing Contest: Yes, let's try this again, shall we? To be honest, I was a bit disappointed in the small number of responses last time 'round. But we'll chalk it up as a fluke if you can redeem yourselves this time, as I'm sure you will. You know the rules. Submit your own caption in the 'comment' link below. The winner will be declared Monday, May 23rd. This week's prize: I will arrange for George W. to "bring freedom" to the nation of your choice (excluding Cuba, Sudan, USA). Make me proud.

WINNER: 'Mojowank' with "Honestly George, if you're not going to pay attention, then I'm going to stop." I concede, the film reference nearly went over my head. I'd also like to thank you all for reminding me that quality is better than quantity. I swear I'll never make that mistake again.

Glass Houses

The White House is calling for Newsweek to retract its Guantanamo Bay Quran-desecration story over doubts about a report cited in the article (Newsweek has thus far expressed "regret" over the use of the questionable source). While there certainly ARE "doubts," and the source IS "questionable," it hasn't been proven fraudulent, and likely never will be. Similar accusations about Guantanamo have come up from plenty of other sources recently. But nevertheless, the wags, wankers, and wingnuts are screaming bloody murder. After all, we know that we should always be wary of erroneous reports, especially in cases when lives may be at stake. Anyway it seems a stretch to say that a Newsweek blurb single-handedly touched off an Afghani riot. But stretch they will, in an effort to collect another "Mainstream Media" scalp, a la Dan Rather, and push us all ever-so-slightly toward government censorship....It's what's best for us, you know. The First Amendment is getting people killed, can't you see that? Obviously civilians shouldn't be allowed to wield such power...

hm.

5/17 UPDATE: Newsweek has now retracted the story, AND: Last Thursday, when the validity of the Quran story was beginning to be questioned, The Defense Department had proclaimed that the protests in Afghanistan and the Newsweek article were unrelated. Apparently they needed a few days to see the potential political gain and change their tune.

Crackers in Bed

A few short years ago, six-figure-fundraising white house slumber parties were the subject of both outrage and ridicule. THAT was a scandal. Good times, those. Why not now? Well, I suppose no one notices that you've taken a twenty from the till when you've just murdered the clerk and set fire to the store.

Just thought I'd get that last awful post off the top. And replace it with this awful one. Yeah, I know. Relatively steady blogging should resume next week.

Be Ever Vigilant

Terribly busy week. Just a thought:

Remember when "Opposites Attract" was a huge hit and you thought that Paula Abdul could surely never be more agitating? And then a few years later when you were SURE that she had been blissfully purged from the public eye? This is all YOUR fault. I bet you were the one who, sitting at the dinner table three years ago, idly mused "Remember that Donald Trump-themed game show from the 80's? What was that called, 'Trump Card' or something? Man, that was pathetic. Thank God that guy's off TV forever." Well, I hope you're happy. You've doomed us all.
Never let your guard down, and never tempt fate. 'Cuz one day you’ll be asleep snug in your bed and: BAM, David Lee Roth will be bibbity-bopping his way to the top of the Nielsen ratings as the host of Emmy-award-winning reality TV. Oh yes, you just wait. I'll be right here waiting for my apology when it happens.

Having a Laugh

"Iraq has chemical and biological weapons. Saddam has continued to produce them. He has existing and active military plans for the use of chemical and biological weapons which could be activated within 45 minutes."

-Tony Blair, September 2002.

Happy birthday Mr. Prime Minister. And congratulations on your third term. Needless to say, PM, I’m not entirely chuffed about this. In fact, I’m positively gutted that such a plonker can be thick as thieves with a yob like George W and adopt that git's half-cocked agro politics while still rabbiting on about bringing labour toward the centre while the punters have gone so skint they haven’t the dosh to purchase petrol - never mind the bairns in the schemes who are completely Lee Marvin having not had a nosh in yonks. And I’d thought your bacon was fried when your WMD porky pies were exposed as cock and bull. I'm just gobsmacked that wankers like you two can take the piss and still win reelection.


Sorry. I sincerely promise I'll probably never do that again.

The Junior Pirates

The LA Times reports that the Scout Association of Hong Kong, a co-educational equivalent of the Boy Scouts, has announced a new intellectual property merit badge, sponsored by none other that the Motion Picture Association, to educate Hong Kong youth on the value of international copyright law. If you fail to see the humor in this, then I’ll have to burn you a copy of my new DVD; "Star Fights: Chapter III – of the Sith Reprisals."
The story goes on, writing that the MPA pitched the idea to the Boy Scouts of America, but was turned down. My assumption is that the BSA found the badge irrelevant to the new Boy Scout Motto; "Be Prepared to Exclude Gays and Not Kiss a Girl Until Age 23."
Before you reach for that "comment" link; yes, I was once a Boy Scout. Thanks for reminding me. And thanks to Jason S for the tip.

Stop Activist Pharmacists

So if a pharmacist can choose not to sell birth control based solely on moral grounds (in the news again, this time closer to home), what other professions can make the same kinds of choices? Is there a vegan waiter somewhere who won't serve the animal products on the menu? A pacifist police officer who refuses to carry a weapon? I don't know about you, but I'm getting a bit fed up with hearing "I'm not telling you that you can't inoculate your children, just that if you want to, you'll have to switch pediatricians because I don't believe in it?" or "I'm sorry sir, I can't let you rent that film, it contains adult situations and you aren't married." What else will 'values' bring us? Some allege that further down the slippery-slope could be a pharmacy-denial of AIDS medication, which is an idea actually SO EVIL that I'm not even going to dignify it with sarcasm.
So as result of all this idiocy, I'm calling for all sympathetic booksellers to deny bible purchases, record-store owners to curtail the profusion of American Idol compilations, and gas-station clerks to block the sale of gasoline to SUV-owners because I know there is a sizable portion of the American public who feels that these items are being used and abused by irresponsible parties, and you and I are helping facilitate these evils simply by doing our jobs. Why are we such suckers?

[click to enlarge...slightly]

Caption Writing Contest: Yes it's that time again. Submit your own caption in the 'comment' link below (If it helps: Yes, indeed, that is Donald Rumsfeld on the left). The winner will be declared Monday, May 9th. The prize will be nothing. Yes, nothing. Now stop asking.

5/9 UPDATE: WINNER: Larso with "Rumsfeld is pleased to announce the capture of two very dangerous 'quida operatives who had apparently been plotting the next terrorist act in the US. The two were brought to justice on a phone tip from superman." Congratulations.
Hopefully we'll see a larger turnout next time...?