Ill-Communication 2

Unfortunately, other projects have my hands pretty well tied again this week, so my posts are likely to be few and far between. I've some tricks up my sleeve for April though, as I attempt to recapture my daily blog habits, make some design changes, and perhaps bring in some guest contributors for a few collaborative efforts. I shall return, and the blogosphere will again tremble in terror.

Kutcherblogging

Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac’s “Guess Who” grossed 21 million dollars at the proverbial box office in its opening weekend - the most in the country and nearly half the lifetime gross of Sidney Poitier’s original “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” Poitier could not be reached for comment but is rumored to be preparing a brief statement renouncing his belief in the existence of a higher power.

When Can We Start Finger-Pointing?

Will the Red Lake shootings teach us anything about gun violence? About the disparity between teenage angst and clinical depression? Or will it result in another wave of “violence-in-the-media” finger-pointers and increased tax money being tossed at addressing the symptoms of school violence - more metal detectors, security guards, and ID badges? Community referendums never seem to pass for education funding, but if we call it National Security, what red-blooded American wouldn’t be on board? Lets piss away our tax money on security cameras and jackboots when it should be going to, oh, I don’t know, TEACHERS?
The media are focusing on the similarities between Red Lake and Columbine, and painting a picture of a preventable disaster. Because if it's preventable, something can be done to keep it from happening again. And then you have the added bonus of having someone to blame. And that's just always fun, isn't it? I mean, look at the warning signs; he wore a trench coat, black boots with red laces, he liked drawing skulls, zombies, etc. If they can find a Marilyn Manson album at his house, the puzzle will be solved. Now: LET THE INVASIVE PARENTING BEGIN!... “Oh, no, Little Billy owns a trenchcoat, could he be next? I’m going to dig through his room and find out if he admires Hitler.”
In all seriousness, this was a terrible, terrible thing, that should certainly go without saying. Details are slowly filtering in now that Weise had a history of family problems (to say the least) and had had some treatment for depression, so I’m fairly certain we'll be saying “we shoulda seen the warning signs” even as we vote “yea” to put non-uniformed marshals in every classroom and begin prescription drug programs from the womb.

And, oh yes, to the wankers who say that it’s a good thing the shooter killed himself because its no longer legal for the justice system to do it, and for implying that the Supreme Court's ruling against the juvenile death penalty makes school shootings more likely: “F*CK OFF!”

Um, and Happy Easter.

DeLay the Inevitable

Thank you *Activist* U.S. District Judge James Whittemore, for refusing to order the reconnection of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube, and giving her a fighting chance at death. I find the fact that this is even an issue taken up by anyone but the family and medical personnel to be nothing less than shameful, and the fact that George B*sh and the republicrats are in support of keeping her connected due to a fear of a Christian backlash is beyond pathetic. Tom DeLay has perhaps been the most outspoken, even personally attacking Michael Schiavo; "I don't have a whole lot of respect for a man that has treated this woman in this way," and "What kind of man is he?" (LA Times). Would it be too much to hope that he quietly slinks away now that the federal judge has refused to order that the tube be put back in? Naturally Schiavo's parents are taking the case to an Appeals Court, so it's too soon to dream.
I feel as if writing about this further is contributing to the problem, because it's certainly none of my business either, so I'm going to stop before I start. If anyone wants more of the goods on this, including links to information on the Texas law that then Governor B*sh signed that allows families to voluntarily discontinue "artificial nutrition and hydration" in cases just like this one, Atrios has your info. I'm just going to hope I have no reason to write about this again.

Alaska Annexed by Texas. More at 10.

Water cooler fodder:

I saw a national news report about the rising price of gas yesterday which contained the words “However, an SUV lobbying group says...” and I thought “Jesus, there are SUV lobbying groups!” Of course there are, it makes sense, I just never had to think about it before. Surely we’re overdue for the sky to open up and an antibiotic fire to rain down and cure this planet of its parasitic disease.
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Why do we only care about Irish politics in mid-March? Don’t tell me Belfast is a sleepy Irish village the rest of the year. I mean it's great that B*sh is meeting with these people who suffered the loss of their brother and fiancé in all this IRA business that I won’t pretend to fully understand, but face it; he wouldn’t give a sh*t if it didn’t make good PR on St. Patrick's Day. Seems to me like the classic donate-to-food-shelves-only-on-Thanksgiving phenomena. Cuz, well you know, that’s the only time they need it. And the media are far from blameless on this.
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I’m interested to see if Norm Coleman flops (flips?) again on the senate ANWR drilling vote today. He’s on the correct side of the issue for once. Not that it matters, all they need is 51 votes and it looks as if that’s exactly the number they have. So fire up your gas guzzlers, and kiss your Alaskan wilderness goodbye, our reliance on foreign oil has ended. For the 18-24 months until the reserve is depleted. I think I have bottle of shampoo that's lasted longer than that.
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This morning on the local Fox News affiliate, anchor Tim Sherno said of Mario Vazquez, the American Idol candidate who withdrew himself from the competition, (causing far too much media attention): If he did it just to get publicity “I hope he gets strung up.” Pause. Pause. Pause. “Metaphorically of course.” Dammit, where's my TiVo.

Californication

CNN /AP: "San Francisco County Superior Court Judge Richard Kramer ruled Monday that while withholding marriage licenses from gays and lesbians has been the status quo, it constitutes discrimination the state can no longer justify."

Good news, to be sure. But after all the talk during the election about this sort of thing, I think the conservatives are going to give this instance added attention, if that's somehow possible. I can't help but wonder what ignominious fate is in store for this "activist judge." Will he forced to leave the bench "for family reasons" (i.e. death threats to his children)? Or maybe a fraudulent sex scandal for which he'll be eventually exonerated but permanently disgraced (maybe a gay sex scandal - wouldn't that be ironic)? Or maybe his private plane will mysteriously crash in the woods? All very fashionable nowadays.

Not that I'm implying anything.

Irish Need Not Apply

I received another outrageous email harangue from my favorite reactionary, the man I call Johnny Rightwing. This time, it was actually signed "Johnny Rightwing," so he's apparently made the moniker his own. Here it is, enjoy:

Liberals,

President George W B*sh this week has refused to host IRA's Sinn Fein leader, Gerry Adams, at the White house on St. Patrick's Day, which had become an annual tradition. I for one applaud this decision. Why, do you ask? Because B*sh is doing it, naturally. I haven't got the slightest clue what's going on in Irish partisan politics, and in fact all I know about this was what I read on the bottom of the screen on Fox News, but I trust Our President has done his homework, and I eagerly await the vague but damning implications about connections between Al Qaeda and the Catholic Irish. And if you Democrats want to disagree with me, then consider this: Even hyper-liberal Irish Catholic Ted Kennedy has become so very ashamed of his heritage that he too has declined a meeting with Adams on the Irish holy day, for the first year since 1998.
Therefore, in the spirit of unwavering reactionary solidarity with Our Leader, who has been handed an undeniable mandate by an alcoholic Irish Catholic super-liberal, I would like to encourage you and your reader(s) to boycott all things Irish this St Patrick's day. I mean; no green decorations, no clovers, jigs or brogues. No potatoes, Shamrock Shakes or whiskey. No leprechauns or red-haired people with freckles. No James Joyce, Jonathan Swift or Oscar Wilde. (No Oscar Wilde EVER, liberals. He's creepy).
No Colin Ferrell, Liam Neeson, or Pierce Brosnan. No Lucky Charms, Kathy Ireland or anything or anyone from Boston. No U2, Pogues, Dropkick Murphy's, Proclaimers, Chieftains, Michael Flatley, or Ronan Tynan. In fact, lets just say no Irish pop, Irish folk, Irish punk, Irish jig, or Irish Tenor. No Irish or green beer goes without saying, don't you think? (Where's my red, white and blue six-pack or Budweiser?).
I also suggest we drop Irish parts of last names - McMahon will become "Mahon," Fitzgerald becomes "Gerald," O'Shaughnessy becomes "Freedom" and so forth.
"Kiss Me I'm Irish" slogans on buttons and T-shirts are to be replaced with "Pay Me I'm American." (These can be reused on the Fourth of July or any day of the year).
I'm talking about a TOTAL BOYCOTT here people. And actually, the term "boycott" was coined by an Irishman in the 19th century so no using that word either. We'll call it a "ban" or something. So ban, already. And tell all your liberal buddies. We must each do our part to combat the Irish threat, whatever it might be if it exists.

Johnny Rightwing
Pundit

[some grammar and spelling edits, asterisks added. The views contained in the preceeding letter do not reflect that of Alexander Brukowski, Devious Nature or its subsidiaries]:

Caption Writing Contest - Spring Training Edition: Submit your own caption in the 'comment' link below.
WINNER: In the closest competition yet; Clarabou, with:
"Drugs can be confusing. In his quest to become the next Curt Schilling, Kyle Lohse will find that all he ends up with is case of the munchies." Congratulations. Your prize will be repayment of the twenty bucks I owe you. Maybe.

Also, special recognition to Chance, for her eleventh-hour entry from a Malian internet café. Visit her blog (also perma-linked at right) and pay homage to one of the peace corps' most talented haiku-writers. Tell her Alex sent you and get 10% off your MIF kit purchase.

“It’s a Fundamental Issue”

Perhaps more than any other political issue currently in play in this country, the one that most frustrates and infuriates me is the puritanical backlash against the idea of gay marriage, which is once again under fire in Minnesota this week. Needless to say, I’m nauseated by the excrement spewing from our politician’s mouths. But rather than mindlessly rant about these sanctimonious f*cks, (see, I've started already…), I’d much prefer to turn their diatribe on its head, as is my wont:

Dear People of Minnesota,

There is a grave threat in this state that endangers the very way we live our lives. It threatens our workplaces, our church communities, and our children. The only way to stem this malevolent tide is with a state constitutional amendment. Yes, fellow citizens, we must protect the sanctity of hockey by instituting a ban on lacrosse.

We have seen the degradation that has taken root in the once-vibrant hockey state of Massachusetts, and Hollywood is continually poisoning our youth with the notion that a lacrosse lifestyle is an acceptable option; these trends MUST STOP.

An amendment is a big step, I admit, but only an amendment can keep us safe from activist referees. The cancellation of the NHL season has proven that hockey is under fire. Action must be taken while public support is high. Nearly 70% of the state is against lacrosse, so passing such an amendment would merely be a logical reflection of the public will and a respect to the natural order; if God had wanted us to play lacrosse, he would have put nets on the ends of our sticks.

In addition, to address the needs of the unfortunate youths who have already deviated fully into the lacrosse counterculture, I propose that we allocate more public funds to state-sponsored programs that can work with existing church groups set up to carefully ease their transition back into society using time-tested and proven field-hockey and figure-skating therapy.

This is a state built on hockey values. Even for the non-religious, the issue is inarguable; an arena sport is defined as between a stick and a puck, just as nature intended. This principle is the fundamental tie that binds us together as a state. Hockey is our identity, and lacrosse must never be allowed to destroy that.

Sincerely,
Alexander Brukowski
Editor-In-Chief
Devious Nature


CC: Tim Pawlenty
Norm Coleman
Neal Broten
Johnny Rightwing

Another Quality Choice

Georgie B*sh nominated Undersecretary of State John Bolton to be U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations today (CNN):

John Bolton is personally committed to the future success of the U.N., and he will be a strong voice for reform at a time when the U.N. has begun to reform itself to help meet the challenging agenda before the international community.

This was a quote from 'an advisor', according to CNN, who did not want to be named, conveniently enough. So, just who is John Bolton? Well, by a rather circuitous route via Eschaton and Think Progress, I was led to a 2003 article from the Observer, which contained the following:

The number three at the State Department, John Bolton, even said: 'There is no such thing as the United Nations. There is only the international community, which can only be led by the only remaining superpower, which is the United States.'

{Insert String of Explitives Here}

To be fair(er), apparently that quote was from 1994, so, one must take into account that it was a much different time then. John Bolton had so recently been an undersecretary to Republican George Bush, a president trying to improve his popularity after a war in Iraq and hoping to distract from a troubling economy while hoping no one noticed the escalating national debt. Totally different time.

{Insert Strings of Explitives Here, Here, and Here.}

Jacko Wacko, Krusty Rusty

Apparently Jay Leno wants his gag order on the Michael Jackson trial clarified to allow him to keep using Jackson "jokes" in his monologue. Leno is expected to testify as a witness for the defense and he has been barred from publicly speaking about any evidence to which he may be privy. Via an anonymous source, Devious Nature has exclusively obtained a copy of a letter, attached to his motion for clarification, written on Tonight Show stationery and signed by Jay Leno, although presumably penned by one of his writers:

Your Honor,

"Michael Jackson humor is my bread and butter. I've been telling jokes about him for twenty years, and I urge you to allow me to continue. Without Jacko, I'd have to fall back on O.J. jokes and Lorena Bobbett gags. Are you prepared to have that on your conscience? Why would you want to separate an artist from his canvas? Would you take away Harpo's horn? Would you send Chaplin out without his cane? Would you steal Carrot-Top's whatever-he's-attached-to-a-toilet-seat-this-week?

Carrot-Top is a national treasure.

Lets face it, Your Honor, I'm a bit of a one-trick pony, and if you're going to break my leg, you may just as well take me out back, shoot me, and send my ugly carcass to the glue factory. Am I right Kevin? The glue factory. Like what they'd do to a pony. . .you know, a pony with a broken leg. . .Hey everybody, Kevin smokes pot."
. . .

Leno's letter continues, making light of Paris Hilton's promiscuity for a full nine pages and then finally grinding to a blessed end.

Excommunication

Recovering from last Thursday's throat surgery, Pope John Paul II today has regained speech capability. According to Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, "the Holy Father is fully alert mentally and also able to say the essential things with his voice" (CNN) . What do you think the "essential things" are? Condemnations of gays? Damning of abortions? Disparagement of the stem-cell research that aims to cure the same Parkinsons Disease which afflicts him?

Yes, naturally he has a legacy of hyper-conservatism (women of the cloth? HA!), but he's old, and maybe the next guy will be a bit more progressive, right? Wrong. This is the Catholic Church we're talking about here. Near two-thousand long years of narrow-mindedness. If anything ever changes, it does so at least 50-75 years too late. JP II has stacked the cardinals' ranks with his conservative supporters, insuring that the next pope will be more of the same. It's a lovely system, no? What if B*sh had a life-long term and when he died, the new president was elected by his cabinet members from among their number. Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to make you break out in a sweat like that. Some of you may need to change your pants. It's OK, don't be embarrassed. Just realize that this is the system the Catholics use. Let's just be happy that popes don't command the military power they once did, and that holy crusades are kept to a minimum nowadays. Why are you laughing now?

My point is; Let's all hope to God (yes, I realize) that the Catholic Church can shed its doctrine of divine intolerance and learn to embrace humankind.

In my torturous journey through Catholic private school, they taught us that "catholic" meant "universal" so the rhetorical cliché "Is the pope Catholic?" has always made me chuckle cynically.

But then, most things do.

At Last, A Little Class

From CNN:

High court: Juvenile death penalty unconstitutional

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that the Constitution forbids the execution of killers who were under 18 when they committed their crimes, ending a practice used in 19 states.

Finally, we join the civilized world. Um, in one respect. God Bless America and God Bless our "activist judges" and their REASONABLE interpretation of the law and its relation to human rights. Um, in one respect.

Now, shall we talk about the 3,400 other inmates on death row...?