Friday Haikus

In honor of last night's highly scripted B*sh press conference:

Bankruptcy Bill and
Social Security "fix."
Who elects this swine?

Wind-bag talks to press
thus pre-empting "Will and Grace"
because he hates gays.

Nook-yahler progrum
Nuke-yaler "disarmimmint"
Nookya-lur win'ner.

Dripping smarminess
like a glacier does water,
will he melt away?

"Lake Calhoun? How Original!"

Obviously we can't all agree with the entire City Pages "Best of the Twin Cities" [on newsstands in your neighborhood today (mine anyway)]. For one, the reader's polls have become such a farce that one could argue that they be omitted entirely. Predictably, the poll winners are always the most recognizable local poster-kids (Josh Freaking Hartnett, Kevin Garnett), the chain restaurants (Caribou Coffee, Applebee's for crissakes), and those with the ridiculous annual grass-roots write-in campaigns (Skywynd for the second consecutive year, and the resulting equally tragic side effect - 93X's Remy Maxwell).
Overall, it's surely the most popular issue of CP each year, and the contentiousness of the picks is what makes it so interesting. You can't read it without feeling that at least one of the picks has committed an audacious act of injustice. To wit:

Why, oh why, did the writers pick the U Otter Stop Inn for Best Karaoke? Awful, awful, awful. Seriously. I can't say it's the worst I've seen/heard, as that would be an improbable feat, but even the Uptown VFW is a far superior karaoke experience to the U Otter, and no one, I mean no one, can top Grumpy's "Staraoke". That's just the way it is. I wonder, might the second consecutive "Best of The Twin Cities" loss for Grumpy's have anything to do with the continued absence of Dave? Something to consider.

New School?

About a year ago, everyone in my company’s eight-person 'team' idly wrote our names on some little half-dollar-sized magnetic fish on our lunchroom refrigerator. Very kindergarten, I know. They're still there, but a few months ago someone organized the fish into two clusters on the fridge door, spaced about 12 inches apart. The one on the left has five fish, corresponding to the five of us who are still with the company, and the one on the right is three fish, representing the three employees who have left the company in the last year. I don’t know if I'm the only one who's noticed, but for about a month now every day when I come in, I see that my fish has moved a very small incremental distance toward the group on the right. Now it’s nearly reached a point equidistant from each group. I wish I knew who keeps moving it. Strange.

Stadium Blather

I want an outdoor Twins Stadium, and I'm all about adding an extra sales tax In Hennepin County in order to get it. Why? Well it’s simple: I like baseball. That’s it.
Except that can never be “It,” can it? I'll admit that I don’t think we should have to pay for the damn thing, and while I don’t hate the Metrodome as passionately as some, I do fully realize the Big Bubble is an inferior experience for a game. And I certainly don’t relish the prospect of seeing the team relocate. There, I said it. I confess: all it takes is for someone to utter the words “Las Vegas Twins” and I break out in a sweat. I secretly dream of the day when I can sit in that right-field stand in the Warehouse District, hear the roar of the cars coming down I-394 behind me as I look up and watch how the setting sun reflects the steam from the garbage incinerator like a prism, snug in a vast, open-air temple to corporate sponsorship.
As an added bonus, I would also enjoy how giving the Twins a new stadium would be giving the finger to Vikings fans, a gesture for which there can be no pricetag. Too bad, purple pride, the Twins have been whining for a new stadium for 10 years, and you’ve only been doing it seven. Wait your turn, suckas.
Of course, the Hennepin County sales-tax idea won't go up for referendum because it’s unlikely to pass – and such a vote would be a significant timetable delay even if it was successful. The good people of Hennepin County simply wouldn’t feel it’s in their best [read: selfish] interests to pay for a stadium that everyone else gets to use too. Where’s Ramsey County on this? What about Anoka? I’ll grant that Anoka’s trying to get a stadium for the Vikings, and they can have ‘em as far as I’m concerned. But can we perhaps erect a wall around the county to make sure no one can use the park we (and the tourists at the bloody Mall of America) paid for with our hard-earned pennies? Or can we at least get a little recognition for our efforts? How does “The Minnesota Twins of Hennepin County” sound? Hey, it’s got a nice ring. Say it to yourself again, aloud. It’s like music, isn’t it? Hell, they could even change the emblem for us. They can emblazon “THC” across the player’s helmets, caps and jerseys. That would be popular with the high school and college kids, don’t you think? The merchandising alone would recoup loads of the stadium funding.
And what about corporate naming rights? That’s usually good for $15-20 million. We’ve plenty of local companies who’ll be willing to hop on board. For years I’ve been gunning for a “Marshall’s Field” nestled up next to the Target Center but alas, now that Marshall Fields has been sold off I fear my dream is dead.
Anyone else have an opinion on funding, referendums, corporate naming rights or whiney Vikings fans?

Idle Worship

I apologize for more pope talk, it's just that pretty much every news organization on the planet is reporting this "Pope says he prayed not to be elected" story. I only find it interesting because I too prayed it would be someone else. Of course, I'm fairly certain that he and I were praying to different gods. For instance, my God knows that gays and women are not inferior beings. My God knows that fear of damnation is no motivator toward altruism. My God respects alternate beliefs and knows that grudging tolerance of individual differences isn't good enough. My God understands the importance of genetic research. My God finds no fault in condoms, masturbation, pre-marital sex and morning-after pills. My God teaches reproductive rights. My God is passionate about AIDS prevention. My God believes in remarriage. My God is a God of love and compassion and empathy and acceptance. But then, my God is a garden gnome named Stinky Monkeybiscuit who lives in my linen closet and whose chief purpose is to guard my spare washcloths against Satan and his works. So I guess he doesn’t know everything. I mean, the little bastard can’t even fold my bath towels correctly.

Whore House

My internal irony-detector exploded yesterday, when, on the eve of Earth Day, the U.S. House passed an energy bill to open up the Alaskan Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling. The bill, a mostly Republican effort (surprise, surprise), also shielded makers of MTBE, a gasoline additive, against litigation for their contamination of drinking water supplies in 29 states, thus leaving those states to bear the burden of up to $29 billion in cleanup costs.

Unofficial reports show that House members' Mother's Day plans remain unchanged - whoring their own mothers out to the highest-paying John.

Magic Bullet

What the hell is wrong with Fox News? I mean seriously.

Was Iraq Behind the Oklahoma City Bombing?
…Tim McVeigh and the U.S. government were each doing their part to hide the real players. Government prosecutors said there was no "John Doe No. 2" even though dozens of people saw him. McVeigh insisted all the way to the grave that he acted alone, when everybody including his lawyer knew he was lying.
If McVeigh were just the grunt — mixing the chemicals, driving the truck, setting the timer, and running off — guilty though he might be, if the bombing was a plot by a foreign government, his lawyer would have had a chance at the sentencing hearing to argue that others were more responsible and McVeigh should not be executed.
The fear that the McVeigh execution might have been an error — and a mistaken execution — could put the federal death penalty itself in jeopardy. The fear of losing the federal death penalty could explain why the U.S. government does not appear to be anxious to act on evidence it has that Iraq may have been involved in the Oklahoma City bombing.

I can’t believe I’m even bothering to address this twaddle. Saddam didn’t bomb your building. OJ didn’t drive the getaway car. The CIA didn’t hire Zacarias Moussaoui to fire a missile from the grassy knoll to impress Jody Foster. All roads DO NOT LEAD TO IRAQ. Its like the damn middle ages around here. Unexplained phenomena can be attributed to leprechauns and poltergeists, and EXPLANED phenomena are to be UN-explained and reattributred to the Iraqi Baath party. Actually; it’s bloody Orwell, yet again. Everything ungood can be blamed on Saddam, and everything good is because of B*sh. Big Brother invented the airplane. Big Brother invented electricity. You know that girl who turned you down for the prom 13 years ago? Saddam told her to do that. And when your dog was run over when you were seven? Yep, Saddam drove the car. Saddam killed Jesus, ya know. See, its right there in this year’s edition of the bible. Incinerate your old copies, The Party says they're incorrect. The more we vilify Saddam, the more doubleplusgood our actions appear.

Allow me to summarize:

Weapons of mass destruction
9/11
“We’ll be welcomed with cheering”
“He tried to kill my dad”
Al Qaeda terrorist camps
Palestinean terrorist camps
It will stabilize the region
Oklahoma City bombing

Century

My 100th post. Oh yes.
I’m not sure which is more surprising, the fact that I’m still writing this garbage or that you’re still reading it. Losers.
It was never my intention, initially, for this to be so fixated on politics, but when last fall's election results came in, what the hell else was I going to do? I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the last six months; writing pure nonsense and later boasting in conversation that I was a genius without peer. Because I am. Or did you know?
Naturally, I couldn’t have achieved this lofty summit without you, my dear readers. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you both. Without you, I would never have been ranked the 16217th most visited weblog.
I look forward to continuing to address the most pressing issues of my corner of the blogosphere, such as:

1) If Larso really does know sh!t, what sort of sh!t does he know?”
2) Will Ashton Kutcher attain Keanu Reeves status or will he forever remain a mere David Cassidy?
3) Does Johnny Rightwing really exist or is he a schizophrenic episode caused by microwaves beamed into my skull from the Republicans' top-secret moon base?

Check back often for the answers to these and more topics of vital importance to our very way of life. And as always, comments are welcome from everyone, be you Liberal, Moderate, or somewhere in between.

Posting on Posting

I was recently bemoaning my lack of posts here, and spouting clichés about how there "just wasn't enough time in the day." Larso responds, "Do you not think that your current situation is better than when you were able to write every day? Having a life outside of your computer is the normal and healthy thing to do."
Cynic that I am, I immediately focused on the reverse implications lurking behind his theory. Does this mean that I shouldn't have a feeling of satisfaction after posting? Is a bit of a pat-myself-on-the-back with a job-well-done inappropriate? Should I instead strive to cultivate a healthy social life and grieve when life has handed me an opportunity to write?
But then I remembered that Larso doesn’t know sh!t anyway.

Homophobesota

I hate to make generalizations about my readers, but I suspect that for most, the usual activity on April 20th ("4-20") is to get stoned, watch The Big Lebowski and maybe play some Playstation. However, if you want to be productive before/after/during your celebration, I suggest you head on down to the (Minnesota) state capital and support equal marriage rights against the completely random attack from the bigots. Specifically, MN Politics pointed me to THIS (small .Pdf), a release from the organizers of the event, "Minnesota For Marriage," citing last year's equivalent hetero-rights rally which apparently drew some attendees with "hateful" and "inappropriate" anti-gay signs, which I imagine would have made positively-spun media-coverage difficult. The memo goes on to suggest some family-friendly [in the parlance of the time] slogans to use in support of the amendment. I refuse to reprint them so you'll have to check them out for yourself.

I suggest we make our own signs and disperse ourselves unobtrusively amongst the gathered homophobes. The idea is to integrate just enough to look like we belong, so as to avoid being fatally bludgeoned with bibles. Signage-ambiguity is key. In most cases, eventually someone will figure out that our slogans aren't exactly helping their cause, but any impact is impact. Here's some I came up with this morning:

----
Protect My Sham-Marriage!
----
Legislate Intolerance!
----
Shelter Our Children from Open-Mindedness!
----
God hates Quee-
Homo-
Ga-
Intra-Genderally-Preferenced Individuals
----
Osama is Pro-Gay
----
Say NO Too Gay Marridge!
----
Gay Sex is "In-Conceivable"
----
Marriage is Defined as Being Between a MALE and a FEMALE Who May or May Not be Cousins.
----

Or write your own. Have fun with it. Admittedly, it's not like these people need our help to look stupid, I'm just looking to make trouble in a legal way and have a little fun at the same time. Some people simply deserve to be screwed with. Disagree? Have any sign suggestions of your own you'd like to share? Don't be shy...

Locally-Based Restaurant Chain Does Nothing Significant

Until well after a new pope is elected, the media have to keep the story alive, and at the moment, apparently there aren’t many angles left to cover. Admittedly, I always thought this particular bit of kitsch was amusing, but my God [irony noted], this crap is NOT newsworthy, much less does it deserve to be the Strib’s number two web headline (as of 3:00 pm). I’d find it simply amusing, were this pathetic story not a chilling reminder of a sadly growing trend of such nonsense that is causing my respect for my beloved local Leftist Daily to rapidly dwindle. Or was I a fool for ever trusting it in the first place? I’ll just have to wait a few days until their next petty squabble with the smarmy one-trick chimps at Powerline. That perhaps will alleviate my concerns for a time.

Papal Tiger

I had covered this a bit previously, but I feel it necessary to repeat; I'm finding it difficult to hear the media pundits implying that the new pope might 'bring change' to the Catholic Church. Pure nonsense. As a "recovering Catholic," I'll grant that I don't exactly have my finger on the pulse of the Catholic Church, but I really don't see them giving the idea of female clergy a fair shake, or backing down on contraception, abortion, abstinence or celibacy. Stem cell research is arguably a possibility, I suppose. But even that's a stretch, and 'The Church' would first go through 20 years of debate and I find it hard to believe they wouldn't lose more members than they'd gain with such a move. And the polls (such as THIS ONE) I'm finding on U.S. Catholics wanting a more progressive pope are absurd. They're irrelevant. People fail to understand that the U.S. is NOT a policy-maker in the Catholic Church and hold little sway in its policies. Do you want to see a Catholic priest laugh 'til he cries? Walk up to one in the next two weeks and say "I sure hope the next pope is from the U.S." He'll wet his frock.

As an afterthought, Do you think the death of the pope was the only thing that saved us from "The Fight Over Terri Shiavo's Remains" stories or was it common decency? Don't be too sure. They were starting up already that night when John Paul took a turn for the worse but have since been blissfully buried. Maybe God does exist, and in His/Her grand plan, the pope was meant to die at that appointed time, in order to save us from ourselves. Or was He/She two weeks late?

THIS is CNN

[click to enlarge]

This is real. This is not faked. This is not Fox News. This is CNN. Crimony.
But that's just the beginning...34 percent. These are your fellow citizens. These are the people who must be wooed to your side if you expect to be elected to run this damn country. These are the people who are building your houses, driving your school buses, performing your surgeries, and, oh yes, some of them get to decide who to kill with the weapons you helped them pay for. Fun.

So, in summary:

Gay Marriage = Bad. Disgusting. Unnatural. An affront to all that is holy.
Cousin Marriage = Good. Practical. Less name-change hassles. No in-laws.

God must surely be spinning in his grave.

Happy Birthday to Me

Alexander Brukowski, pictured above (file photo).

"27 Bells."